AS OF JUNE

想你算是安慰還是悲哀。

2011-04-27T19:39:00.004+08:00

There are times that you are going to realise. That you aren't what you think you are. You aren't as important as you think you are, you aren't going to get what you think you should be getting, you aren't going to be who you thought you'd be.
It's got a lot to do with the friend's you're with. Sometimes you're gonna think that maybe, maybe I can do it. Just maybe, they'll look at me and see what lies beneath. Then those same people will look at you and rather than seeing you for you, the only thing they see is the person you're standing next to. You're gonna be known as the friend of a friend, and you're gonna do nothing but add on to a particular image for that person. Sometimes, that fact is going to hurt. You never thought you'd end up like that, and you don't want to think that you're like that. But at the same time, you're not gonna lie to yourself. You know you're just a sidekick.

The thing is, you've got to know that it doesn't matter. I'd say that thats the most important thing. If you've ever, hated the feeling of being judged, taking on a role you despise, being less than who you wanted to be. If doesn't matter. You don't have to have it all. What makes you happy, find that one thing that makes you still believe that there are better things out there. You just haven't found it. You don't need all the attention, hog the limelight. Just that one moment of curtain call is enough to let that one person who really matters to see your face bathed in that momentary yet deserving light. That one moment, is what you need to grasp on to, and show that one person what they've found. One person's silent yet enduring cheer is worth more than thousands of applause that ends once the show is over.

Nothing can hurt you, you're the one who lets that happen.
You are who you are. You don't have to show the world that, just stay true and for sure. Sooner or later, someone out there will see you shine. And they will never, ever leave.
Sounds idealistic, doesn't it. But then I realised, it's happened.
因为一个人，我开始明白也相信了这些他坚持着的道理。
是他让我有信心接受一切的委屈，一切的质疑。他也曾经是一个被轻视的宝石。
现在，有越来越多人开始发现他其实有多好。从他的故事，我看见了自己。看见了自己的自卑和思想的错误。

2011-04-23T17:40:00.002+08:00

I have to revive this place some time soon.
but when everything's in my little green notebook I'm just too lazy OTL.

Todays' flown by.

2011-04-23T17:37:00.000+08:00

And if I ever do.

2011-04-05T22:31:00.001+08:00

他不在意，我们也不应该想这么多。
不管人家怎么想。他就是我们的黄鸿升。
不可否认，绝对无敌。

够了

2011-04-05T22:08:00.003+08:00

我真的很气。也真的很不服，很无奈。

你们有什么资格批评他。凭什么说他烂，说他没有资格？
过了七年，你们还是一样的，这样子否定他。够了没？！他什么得罪了你，什么让你看不顺眼了？只因为他的了一项“罗志祥应该得到的奖”？我们知道他会是用怎么样的态度珍惜这份我们为他夺下的奖项，才会那么努力地投票。你们自己不投，就期待他得奖？没得到就说是内定的。这又有什么道理。
我知道他受了很多委屈。因为了解，才会心疼。

说真的，能够当个鬼迷真的是一件很幸福的事情。
有谁的偶像会说那样子肉麻恶心可爱嘴甜的话？又有谁的偶像会为了粉丝在机场签名，试着对每一位说上至少一句话，有问必答。真诚，坚强又可爱的黄鸿升。你们把他说成垃圾，我真的感到无奈。你们的不了解，就足以让你们从一件你们无理的觉得不公平的事件之后就批评他？

我也想算了，可是心里真的很为他感到不值。
但我们有能够做什么？只能像以往，默默地支持着我们的英雄。
我们知道他的好，就够了。

“如果不花心的定义是一生只能爱一个人，那我花惨了，因为我这么多歌迷，我好爱他们。”

谢谢你常常提醒我们，爱上你的理由。

Aftermaths.

2011-03-12T21:45:00.007+08:00

The aftermaths keep coming.

They're dying down, but the damage is irreversible.
When the same thing happened, 7 years ago, I was terrified it would happen again. Yes, I was only 7 but I knew what happened, I knew how devastating it was, I knew how bad it was for everyone caught in the trap of disaster.

I hope things aren't as bad as they seem to be. I don't want catastrophe.
It's already happened though.
The death toll of Japan at 1300, and I highly doubt that number. The radiation leaks and everything that came as a result. The waves going on to other countries. The chain reaction.

and here we are still shopping for furniture.
when those people are picking in the rubble for anything they could possibly save.

Humanity, empathy. Whats it all supposed to mean?
Whats it all supposed to result in?

The most we could do is offer donations to aid and relief causes.
But those lives lost, whats 10 dollars to them?

I wish I could do more. Or have been there when everything came crashing down. I might have been able to do, however little, more to help those stranded in despair. Yeah, what a joke. whatamitosaythat.

When I first heard about it hitting Taiwan. I wasn't really sure how bad it was there but, the image of sheng's face appeared in my mind and I was so, scared. I was so afraid that he would be a victim in the fury of the waves and I imagined him going missing. I imagined something happening to him and this kind of really really raw fear struck me at the thought of losing him just like that. If we, if I, lost him in this horror, I really don't know how I would react. Cry. Scream. Lose control.
Nothing can ever happen to him, please. Thats what I thought.
All these, and more, flashed by me in the span of 5 seconds.

He was the first one who came into my mind at that moment of realising how bad it actually was.
But I knew he wasn't the only one.
Hundreds of bodies lying upon the ground. Like how it was in 2004.
All those lost hearts, fallen souls. Each and every one belonging in someone else's world. Each representing a surviving loved one leading a damaged life afterward. It must be so much worse than what I felt then. Of course it must, whats him to me compared to a family member to another? Minute. Insignificant. Infantile worry.

When will the aftermaths stop.
I don't think they ever will.

2011-02-25T22:38:00.002+08:00

So what happened to my determination to work harder this year. The promise to put aside temptations and other stuff standing in the way.

It's almost 11 and the work's undone.

追星？

2011-02-13T01:18:00.007+08:00

Maybe I took the whole episode too personally.... but.

他努力了那麼久，渡過了你從來沒經驗過的日子和心情。不是讓你來批評他這種人。

浪費時間浪費金錢？對你來說可能是吧。
但對我而言，他，就是值得的。

如果不是他，我也不會明白到努力到底是甚麼。不會明白到，人是不需要完美的。
從他的身上，我看到了許多讓我佩服的優點，也看到了令人搖頭的缺點。可是重點是，他就是這麼樣的一個人。
不假裝，不做作，不懶惰。
我看上他的優點，都是我想像中的理想。現在的我會開始認真也是因為他。

不是為了他，是因為他。
因為他而覺得自己是可以的。
因為他才發現世界其實是有很多事情是我不明白的，而我要怎麼去處理許多讓自己困擾的煩惱。

我很欣賞他的才華，也很欣賞他的態度。
也就是說，雖然他是個有缺點的人，但就是因為他那些缺點，才會成為他這樣的一個人。

他給了我一個堅持的理由。
給了我為學業，為籃球付出百分之一百努力的勇氣。
也讓我有了耐心來更好地對待家人朋友，讓我想成為一個比以前更好的人。
看著他的努力，我也真的開始努力了。我們一起努力，一起成長，一起加油。
那這樣，你還會說追這不同於別人的一顆星，值不值得？

我這樣說可能對不明白的人會有點莫名其妙。
但你想一想，你們有自己喜歡的活動，我們有自己喜歡的藝人。你們說打球會讓你消除壓力，我說一看到他那輕鬆的笑容就忘了一切的煩惱。還不是同樣的邏輯？花錢是我們自己的選擇。去看電影，去打lan也要錢。有甚麼不同。

他可能永遠都不認識我，的確。
但就根本就沒有想要他認識我啊。只要他能夠感受到我們給他的加油和鼓勵，讓自己擁有多一點自信，從我們得到多點勇氣。
老實說，那就夠了。
如果實說真的有去包車追，我覺得最重要的是要注意安全。照顧自己也好，照顧到藝人也好。就是不可以忘了分寸。

“自己要清楚自己是在做甚麼”
我很清楚自己在做甚麼，也知道總有一天我不會再那麼瘋狂地喜歡著黃鴻升。但至少現在的他能夠讓我變得更快樂，讓周圍的人也因為這些改變而認識到不同以往的我，那不是很好嗎？就在他偶爾來新的時候放肆幾天，不會算是過分的要求吧。。。只要我懂得收回情緒，不要模糊了放在其他事情的焦點。
追偶像真的是要付出很多。我也沒有要求甚麼回報。看到他一眼，看到他過的開心，那就是我所想得到的回報。

他是他，我是我。他的世界里沒有我，但有我們。
能夠在他生命里給予他支持的 “她們” 的一部分，我已心滿意足。
就算真的是不值得，我也不介意。
沒有過分的要求，但得到了比我想像的多好多好多。

這就是我喜歡小鬼黃鴻升的堅定。

(The show was in chinese so all I could relate to was for XG. Circumstances are different for KPOP, two totally different things. So it's not really relevant for SS501. idk)

Dependant. Helplessly so.

2011-02-09T22:34:00.005+08:00

I don't think it I'll be lying if I say I feel so guilty towards them right now.
Maybe guilt isn't the right word.

I just miss them. So much.
And I miss how I used to be all over them.
I'm just kinda turning into a closet TripleS.

I guess you could tell, if you look at me on Twitter, life in general.
You'd see HHS everywhere.
Yeah its true I adore him like, like I don't even know anymore.
But everytime I just look at the five of them, the word forever tugs at my mind. It's not really a choice, its like a duty. Not one I would shy away from.

But sometimes I just miss them so much there's like this void. And I fill it up by turning to HHS. He distracts me, enough to forget that there was a time when all five of them were there in their spots so blindingly perfect together.
Don't get me wrong. I still love all of them each individually as much as I ever have. Just that... it kinda sucks to feel even for a little bit (no matter how insignificant) that the backing that I've been depending on is wavering.

I don't like throwing the word "forever" around.
Lets face it, there's a high possibility that one day I'll leave behind the TripleS part of my life. I don't know when that'll be, I don't think nor do I hope it is anytime soon. I'd want it to last as long as it can, and sometimes blind faith is the only way to get as close to forever as one ever can.

I'm just... I'm sorry.
But I couldn't leave even if I wanted to.

Because if there ever was one word to describe them.
It'd be unbelievable.
(:

all the projects are coming in already.
hwaiting, hwaiting, hwaiting.

Idealism.

2011-02-07T08:56:00.003+08:00

Everyone's doing work in class right now and I feel like some fucking failure. Though technically its because our teacher didn't give us worksheet two so I don't exactly have anything to do right now. And honestly I cannot be bothered right now. Stayed awake the whole damn night and wanted to stay home but...yeah. Here I am waiting for aesthetics to come around.

I wonder if there are any readers here anymore.

H2HT last night feels like such a fluke right now. I don't know. Nothing really seems to stick these days. It's like I'm stuck in bubblewrap with things happening with my mind not registering its effects. One thought that keeps popping up is that nothing matters so much anymore. I don't know when I started thinking like that, just that now I don't mind shit happening to me cos somewhere something tells me that it isn't going to matter.
Last year wasn't a disappointment. It wasn't anything, actually. But I was okay with the way things were. I didn't expect anything, and I didn't get disappointed. I didn't expect anything about myself and I was satisfied with everything I got and didn't work towards achieving more.

But this year's different. Someone's taught me something I only understood now.
I used to think that I just had to put in the same amount of effort as everyone else. And if I didn't make it, then so be it. It isn't my fault. It's just not meant to be.
If I put in this amount of effort, and someone else succeeds while I flop around and just fail, it doesn't mean that I can't help it. It just means I have to put in extra effort, put in the extra mile and spend the extra hours to work towards what I want.
It isn't an option to tell myself that it's okay. It isn't an option, to not meet my own expectations. I can't play down my expectations to make excuses for failure. I have to push myself further than I have ever gone.

At least thats the kind of attitude people like me should have.
Because there's no other way to avoid the disappointment that comes with all expectations for people like me.
People who don't have the ability, don't have the determination and don't have the..... stuff.

Bloodydamnhell I feel damn fucked up right now.

2011-01-06T15:43:00.001+08:00

It's not that I want to say anything. And I don't particularly mean anything bad. Not that I want to offend. Or I think it's bad. I just think you've changed. And I've changed. And we're not likely to be changing in the same way.

It's like two ships sailing side by side.
And when one drifts off but the other one stays, the other one can drift back.
But when one drifts off and the other one drifts off in another direction.
It isn't that easy to find the way back, is it.
But even though the distance might never be brought back to the way it was before.
They're still in the same ocean. Same place.

It doesn't have to be such a horrible scenario.

寂寞的人复制更寂寞的人们;

2010-12-26T23:02:00.001+08:00

I think I'm an example of a failed Kiss Me.
And a failed Hottest.

Neither here nor there.
Not absolutely crazy, yet not ignorant or 'idgaf'
It's not as apparent towards U-Kiss though. I'm more cold towards 2PM. Not saying I'm really cold towards them, just comparitively.

And I'm a Triple S who doesn't really watch every single video of them on Youtube. Even things I'm kinda supposed to watch. Just because I'm kinda a little bitty lazy. :o
Even though yeah it is a fact that I'm a total Triple S through and through.
It sorta bothers me that I'm like this :o

But ohwell.

Created a fuckyeah tumblr for hongsheng.
http://fuckyeahalienhuang.tumblr.com
And I'm going to try my best to maintain it.

501GUI.
Forever and always man, forever and always.

Holidays are coming to an end and school's starting. Christmas was non-christmas-y but the presents this year were really good. (: We spent December 25 packing up the house. Boxing Day was spent moving all the stuff out of the house and now we have no sofa no table no chairs so I'm sitting on a cushion right now while typing on the small little table we're going to throw away really soon.

Oh yes, my presents. (in order of preferance keke)

Making of Persona Photobook.
Playboyz Album + Poster
The Face Shop 2011 Calander
$50 :O
Another $50 :O
Destination Giant Poster (which I did not get when I bought the album -.-)
Korean Rice Bowl+Cutlery LOL
Pictionary Singapore Edition (LMAOOOO I wanna give this to Xander)

So...Christmas.
Sometimes I wonder why I still call myself a Christian.
I haven't been going to church because of tuition.
And basically, I've been growing further away from God. I don't want that to happen. I don't want I don't want I don't want it at all.
I hope next year we'll be able to go for the services at other timings so I don't have to leave after 30 minutes. Sigh.

There's basketball training camp tomorrow so I better go sleep early.

Happy birthday Taec. (:

2010-12-19T10:14:00.000+08:00

Last post on December 7th.
No tags at all.
Hmm.
I don't really mind, since I don't have anything much to post about anyway. I guess. I think.

2010-12-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

hank you for always being by my side

Thank you for always accommodating me

Thank you for always taking care of me

Thank you for always being on my side

Thank you for always giving me strength

Thank you for making me smile

Thank you for making me shed tears of joy

Thank you for being together with me for such a long time

Thank you for spending precious time together today too

I want to put in even more sincerity

I am upset because I don’t have talent in writing..

I must repay the gratitude given by pretties..

I want to give even more happiness that I have received all these while

No, I will definately do that.. grow old together, we…

Hm…I prepared a small gift…^^

Thank you…

-By KyuJong at KyuSaeng Fanmeet

I really need him to come. Him, and all the other four together. They can come one by one, sure. But the day where the five come together would be the day... Well, I don't really know how to express it but the significance would be enormous.

沒有人能逞英雄受得了愛的虛榮;

2010-12-06T11:45:00.000+08:00

Haven't been posting, but no one has been coming so there isn't much of a difference I'd guess.

The only thing that has happened thats noteworthy to mention is Leader coming for TFS promotions, didn't get to see much of him but something's always better than nothing and I was lucky to be able to see him this time round. And I have to say, pictures do no justice. Okay fine, they do. But he does look even better in real life. Way too skinny though >( I don't like it.
Yeah but I hope he'll be back soon so I can go support properly next time round, hoho time to save save save up. Gui's coming soon and I can't wait. Loads of things to buy as well. ^_^ I wish I had some savings in the bank I could use. T.T

Yeah and I'v been watching Fugitive PlanB, the one with Rain. And I love it lmao Rain is funny and I love Jiwoo, okay thats basically Rain's character. It's really good I think. At least I finished 15 episodes without really thinking it was draggy, maybe it was a little but I didn't register it. Sigh I don't know how Jiwoo is so sweet and amazing rofl but I wouldn't want someone like him. Keke he goes relatively well with the girl I'd think.

A reason why I'm watching Fugitive is to distract myself from Gui's drama, which I don't want to even go near till almost the whole thing is out. I do NOT want to wait a week after every episode and torture myself. Gruh.

And the holidays have been boring, I wish my parents brought us overseas but the only place I've been to is Malaysia and that's not really considered. All I've been doing is sitting in front of the computer rotting my butt off. Of course there's training and stuff (OH I started tutoring my P1 cousin to earn some extra money which is probably gonna be spent lmao) but mainly it's just, uneventful.
Hehe but I don't mind, I'd much rather waste my life away like this than go back to Raffles. -.-

I've probably got to appreciate the last month I'm staying in this house. T.T Moving out end of the month. I've lived in this place ever since I can remember even staying in a home and now we're leaving. Moving to a place two fucking blocks away like seriously, I can't stop wtf-ing at that fact.
Ohwell we're gonna move out anyway so whatever.

Kay so today I shall not watch dramas, download any DL-worthy KyuSaeng FM fancams then go on to BFB. And my sister is being such a brat, seriously.

birthday

2010-11-28T00:01:00.001+08:00

11.28 黃鴻升,生日快樂(: 最重要是要祝你永遠開心. 保持著那赤子之心, 繼續在你愛的工作放下100% 的努力與用心! 我再說一次, 我永遠都不會跳槽. 所以千萬不要有那種想法. 就一直做最真實的自己, 一直當個我好珍惜好珍惜的黃小鬼. 不用擔心, 我們一定會在背後, 挺你一輩子. 也祝你找到自己的幸福~ ^^ 還有還有, 祝滾石30週年演唱會大成功! 11.28, 是個很特別的一天. 因為你, 黃鴻升, 是你讓了這一天有了特別的意義. <3

I love him so much idek.

indecisive.

2010-11-23T11:56:00.000+08:00

I HATE CHANGING BIASES DAMMIT.
One of the hardest decisions to make. Ever

It's like, the moment you admit to yourself that your bias ain't who you thought it was, this wave of guilt washes over you and and you try so hard to convince yourself that no, your biases is still ________. Then it all fails and you have no choice cos you start talking about the one you changed to more and more. Then you face people who thought that you were a firm ________ stan, and you feel like this horrible hypocrite cos you can't talk about ________ like you used to.
The worst thing is the fear of being judged cos you changed over.

It just kinda sucks.

Oh Eliiiiiiii.
Why did I only start falling for you AFTER you guys left and after I exploded over Soohyun. Okay yeah I was indecisive over you or Soohyun before the 19th but then I thought it was a confirm Soohyun after the concert and now it's just all messed up sigh.

Not fun at all.
But U-Kiss is awesome and well, whatever.

Shall watch BFB.
To distract myself from kpop drama.

And not think of the friendly against Anderson on Wednesday cos I'll just freak myself out.

Bye.

tearstained.

2010-11-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

Kay I really should post about yesterday.

Training was, ugh. Really, and I've alot to think about from yesterday's training. It didn't go well at all, not for anybody. And that really isn't what I should be dwelling on because yesterday was fantastic and I shouldn't dwell on unhappy things.

Totally rushed over to Bedok Reservoir after training. (But not before exchanging Still 2:00PM with Mastermind with Sheeena keke) All sweating and sticky and absolutely disgusting. -.- Ended up alighting at the wrong stop and had to walk for 15 minutes to the queue AFTER I cooled down already. So started to sweat like a pig again. And I probably smelled of stale sweat the whole day ugh.

Okay so anyways, reached at around 1 met Shuting and Spiffy from SGTS it was only the second time I ever saw them but w/e it wasn't too bad I think. (Y) Then queue queue wait wait until the hot sun. Until they let us in at 6 and U-Kiss practically rocked out night depite standing for 4 hours.

It was awesome shiz okay like really even though it was squishy and hot and all, they made it all worth it and I couldn't care less about the sweat dripping off me. Freak man Soohyunnnnnnn!

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT AND MAKE ME WONDER IF I WAS HALLUCINATING. GRR.

I shall not elaborate, but yeah.
~~A bias is a bias clear as day. Eli's second, it's clear to me now keke. I don't really know why but Soohyun's an undeniable No.1 in U-Kiss.~~
HAHAH SHIZ I HAVE NO IDEA NOW. I'm zzzng-ing baaaad for Eli.

They supposedly lip-synced the whole thing. Cept for Soohyun who sang a few lines. Didn't notice it then. Ohwell. -shrugs-
Xander said they didn't. So, yeah, they didn't. (Y)

Regrets. Not. Getting. 168 tickets.
Seriously, I missed them the first time and I missed them the second time never am I going to miss their autograph session again. The first one was more worth it actually, cos you got all 7 signatures. But heck I won't be complaining even if I only got half a signature.

Yeah, I'm still in a UKiss withrawal mood. ):

Doesn't mean I've forgotten about the 滾動合輯預購! It started yesterday and gdi I want the preorder version. ): Singapore's not having the preorder and that just makes me sad. They'll give out a big IZZVATI poster. And I can't seem to find a blogshop which is taking orders. And even if they are, I wonder if orders will still be open. And whether I have enough money to spare to order it.

If only he wasn't coming next year for the concert.

My hands wouldn't be tied like this.

And when SS501 comes.

I'll just, totally starve.

2010-11-13T02:23:00.000+08:00

Gonna type for seven minutes then go to sleep.

I've got to stop sleeping so late at night. ): But really, I go in at 10 and end up giving up on falling asleep at 11. Then I leave the room and go to the kitchen to eat something, turn on the computer and end up sleeping at 3 after watching Brilliant Legacy. Which I finished, btw.

Hohoh I liked it. Seunggi's just totally good and he goes well with Han HyoJu. Super cute. And it made me want to rewatch Full House, so I went around TPY today trying to find it without having to pay for it myself but failed cos TPY didn't have it. Gosh.

Oh yeah, I'm like, part B2UTY after watching more of Idol Maid. And Beautiful's MV teaser. Add that too all the positive feedback and opinions from before and you get yourself a part B2UTY in the form of me.
No to mention that Doojoon's just, an immediate bias from the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Idol Maid. And the first five seconds of the teaser. And just, from the beginning of BEAST. (y)
Working on remembering JunHyung and Dongwoon and Hyunseung though. 60% there.

Which reminds me, I've got to know alot more about the other members of U-Kiss. (Eli, Kibum and KiSeop) and now my biasness is a little messed up again and this time it's cos of Eli. I think. Anyway, my bias in U-Kiss still isn't settled and now I'm not sure again ):

Hoho but my bias in SS501 is set in stone.

I just spent 7 minutes typing about nothing but Kpop okay this is not good.
I shall take an extra 2 minutes to write about how Gui's coming again next year.

WHOA, LIKE JUST. WHOO.

My heart can't take him anymore. But I ain't complaining. :)
If he were someone I really know, I'm sure. I'd be crushing big time and he'd be the only one for me. It'd be like Oh Hani and Baek SeungJo, but probably without the happy ending. But he isn't someone I know, so I shall leave it at that.

And I've got to go sleep now.

2010-11-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hohoh I realised that I didn't make a big mistake two months ago.

Yeah, they're nice.
But it's not them.

If you got that, good for you.

BEST FRIEND.

2010-11-09T12:03:00.001+08:00

Shall attempt the 30-day letter challenge from tumblr.
(Meh I never really got the urge to commit to tumblr)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Dear best friend,

If I were to call you that, you must be one hell of a person. Cos I don't really label best friends or anything like that.
Don't be too much of a retard, don't land yourself in jail or I'd have to bail you out. And hmm, if you're my best friend I don't have to say much, do I.

Love you, :D

Your best friend,
Natalie.

这样的节奏谁都无可奈何;

2010-11-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

TFOTD, true fact of the day.
Yeah I've said it before and I'm going to say it again.

I wonder what I'm going to do with my life.
And what I'm going end up devoting my life to. Who I'll be thinking of every second of every minute.

Right now, my future's this big fat question mark waiting to be answered. I'm not sure where to start looking for answers to that. Nothing's leading me in the right direction and it's down to my instincts and what I want from myself. It's confusing and honestly, kind of unnerving. And these doubts just come to mind from time to time and...yeah. Had to think about it.

I look at my seniors then I look at myself and I see this startling difference.
Stupid seniors have got to stop being so, intimidating. Well, some of them anyway. Tsh. Maybe its not exactly intimidating, bur rather, accomplished. Just makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and "At least I did my best." isn't something I can say truthfully anymore.

Oh this reminds me of how this year's Sec Ones had this fangirl-a-senior thing going on at the beginning of the year. lolsrsly. It was amusing, but not something I admired. Or wanted any part of. Tsh.

Oh went for Rafflesian Spotlight at RI the other night. It was.....okay. I mean, it was good but I'm not gonna make an overstatement. Loved the song written by last year's winner. Found it on tumblr through Facebook and had it on replay most of the afternoon. Does She Know. It's one of the sweetest songs I've heard in a while (an english one, nonetheless) and really, the guy should record it as a single and release it. Even if just to see what happens. Cos I think it's really good. And he sings it well, it ain't perfect but it's good all the same.

The judges were way harsh on some acts. Especially Annalise.
OH Nicole found her Ong imitation. Hehe. (He really really looks like Seulong. Side profile, cheekbones, everything cept for the eyes)
Oh and the comedy wasn't stupid. ShawnTan's like a junior Kwon. Comedy's supposed to be funny and not intelligent. And it was funny. Really. And thats comedy.

Other than that I don't think there's anything else I have to say about RS.

But it was a night not spent curled up on the sofa with the TV on almost the whole day. Korean dramas ftw. -.- But Brilliant Legacy/Shining Inheritance is goood. It's like, long and kinda draggy but the kind of good all the same. Heh. Seunggi's (y) But tbh I can't get through the last four episodes of MGIAG cos my brain can't accept Seunggi liking two girls at once. And when I prefer him with Han HyoJu...well, sorry to Shin MinAh then.

Oh I always thought kpop would be the fandom to scare me the most.
Ohwell. It turns out that I'm kinda scared to be absolutely in likeloveshiz with Gui okays. But, nothing to be done about it really. I'm all in and there's nothing to be done to take me away from him. Plus he's the best thing to happen to me these years, along with 501. So...yupp. Nothing much to complain about, seeing all the good things he's brought to my life. And how he changed so many aspects of my thinking.

Thankful? I guess I am.
I thank God that I have them for my inspiration and motivation. When nothing else is there to convince me that all the hard work's worth it, they're there to show me how there's never a reason to give up. I don't know about others but if thats the reason behind me being a fangirl then I think fangirls are one heck of a bunch of motivated people. But no, sadly, too many are throwing their lives away to get more of the glamorous entertainment circle. It makes me sad.

On a side note, fanboys are weird. I mean, fangirls are perfectly normal and okay and accepted. But fanboys, are a different matter. When a girl screams about how Onew's smexy smile, it's just different from a guy commenting on Jessica's legs. One's just, being a Shawol but the other's a horny Sone.

See the difference?

Yeah.
I don't know why either.
It just is.

A division to point out how disjointed this post is.

Teo PohPoh called my mummy today. Mummy didn't give me away butttt told me to get to school. But daddy was nice and agreed to help me go down to settle everything.

Nice daddy was nice. Awesome mummy was bad.

Oh yes that was spastic.

Shall venture off on yet another topic.
I found someone's blog. Yes I kind of know who that person is but it's definitely not a mutual acquaintance. But well, I don't know. I can....understand him. No it's not that his posts are thoughtful and insightful or whatever. They're simple and not like, deep. But it's like how I'd like to post. Just whatever comes to your mind about all the everyday things in your life. At the same time not posting about your day. Just little samples of the thoughts that go through your mind.

I wish there was this, aura sorta thing, which could show the world who you really are. Display your thoughts in its entirety, boiled down to its very essence with nothing to take the focus off your opinion. Then there wouldn't be any worries over a wrong judgement passed. But it'd still be up to others to decide what they think of what they think.

Oh yeah, and something displaying who was meant to be with who.
A match made even before you were born, embedded in your DNA. And if you could see that all so clearly there wouldn't be a need for heartbreaks and needless upset.

And there is me going off point again. I really wonder who actually reads the crap I throw here. Ahwell.

"Kay,blogging from my iPod. I feel so high techish.

Anyways, I’ve been studying chem and physics and realized I don’t know so much stuff. But I realized here’s when optimism can make me feel much better. Instead of ripping my hair out and fretting over the massive mountain of stuff I don’t know, I’m thankful I came across them so I wouldn’t freak out during exams for not knowing. Make sense? It’s kinda like the half empty/ half fult l analogy. Just that this one’s more practical, I mean even the most pessimistic chump doesn’t use the word half empty. No one does."

I'm kinda worried that someone'll find out about me quoting that.
But since that probably won't happen....hmm.

That quote probably didn't mean anything to you.
But I understand what I mean when I admire the outlook on life which the person portrays through the posts. Not too much thought put into things which don't require agonizing over.

Meh. I wish I was more like that.
I just wish it were easier.

2010-11-07T21:31:00.000+08:00

爱到受不了，忘不了，放不了，舍不得。

太想愛你　是我壓抑不了的念頭;

2010-11-06T02:10:00.000+08:00

十一月五号。
黄鸿升爱英雄巡回音乐会香港站，大成功！

真的很棒，连忘词都忘得很棒～　呵呵，我的标准会不会太离谱了点?
算了算了，反正我也不管这么多了。恭喜恭喜你就对了啦！

刚才八点一到，我就开始想这你在香港的表现～　担心但也期待，因为我知道你一定会很努力很认真的！但一听到你又忘词了，我怎么一点也不会感到惊讶呢。哈哈哈，唱了一整年的歌也会忘词，我真是服了你。但今晚的你，真的好棒。我一直都觉得，在舞台上的你，总是充满自信也最有魔力的。我也好想再次见证你那无敌的眼神，最拥有帅气的黄鸿升！

所有，要快点会来哦！我们都会等这你的。^^

You are amazingly beautiful.

Packed up alot of things in my room today, to get ready for the move end of next month. T.T
I had to throw away loads of stuff, but none of what I really wanted to keep anyway so it was quite okay. Though it did make me realise how much rubbish I really had lying around my room. And there was so, much, dust. Gosh I couldn't stand it. My new room will never again be so intolerably messy.

So yeah, basically cleaned out my room for the whole day then went out for dinner and I finally got 不屑. Okay it's like, really super lag and I've wanted it for the longest time but never got around to spending that $16.90 on it. But since today seemed to be a day I could get away without paying for it I just grabbed it off the shelf and gosh it's great.

So yeah, I kinda ripped $17 from my mother today.

And now my room looks like a burglar went through it cos I haven't finished and stuff are lying everywhere. On the table on the bed on the floor. Really, it's so messy in there right now. Oh and I wrapped up alot of my albums to prevent anything happening to them in the two months I won't be there to watch over them. Wrapped with the plastic they sell in Popular for textbooks. And I feel like I've accomplished something I'm really proud of okay.　

So right now I have like four boxes, one more to be added tomorrow to put all my trophies I guess. [Shiz it's gonna make me consider quitting basketball for track again. Grah]

I really don't want to move T.T
Like, I've been living in this same house since I was three, and now you want me to move. Okay fine it's only what, 3 blocks away. But that just makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. Really.

And, ah forget it. But I'm still pretty annoyed at my dad for being such a hypocritical bastard yesterday and saying things I just will not accept, coming from a man like him.

Annoyed is a word too often used.

I really should be going to sleep now, gotta wake up early.

别压抑不是秘密

2010-11-03T20:42:00.000+08:00

He kills me, from the inside out. gdi.
I haven't blogged in a really long time.

Hmm, nothing really happened. I mean, I haven't been to school, skipping DramaNite and everything. I feel kinda bad for ditching Stage Crew but, yeah. Friday was this hugely important day and I really couldn't make it and since YuYu said not making rehearsals were unacceptable then I just let her find someone else to take my place.

Really kinda sorry though. :/

Kay anyway, I saw him again.
And it was mad crazy.

No, not saying that the fans were overboard, not that he was this huge ball of hyper energy. It was just, I only saw him up close for this short short period of time. And I didn't even dare to shout anything to him (I never did.)
But he was more than I ever imagined. Especially with that period of disregard. It all came rushing back and whatever rubbish about him not being Number One is all rubbish because he really is Number One but in a different way. <3

Sigh.

Now I have to save up for 501. And his next visit. And the LED boards(:

Been going out for the past few days, and I got my BREAKTIME and STILL 2:00PM. Got the album posters for BuXue and Love&Hero. And I realised how the money spent is secondary to how you feel when you hold your purchase in your hands and there's no regret at all. Sigh. And I really have nothing to post about.

Remember last year? ^^ Since there isn't a party this year, TripleS'll celebrate it for you~ Look on Twitter!
#501YSday! Happy Birthday our dearest YoungSaeng. ^^ Stop playing baseball and start working hard! Keke start with the fanmeet with Kyu okays. And really, just have a happy birthday.

and I can't hide the truth as well as you;

2010-10-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

U-KISS.

I've been liking them alot lately.
Ever since they came to Singapore, I realised I really actually liked them quite alot. Then it died down abit. And these few days it's been increasing hell loads. They shot up to be the #2 group for me. And today they say it's U-Kiss that's coming for the Bedok Reservoir concert event :D

This makes me happy. I want to hear Dongho say that spastic "Oppaneun ......." line. And see Shut Up being performed. And Soohyun! :O
Hahahah I think I've finally found where my bias lies.

Shall wait for my cousin's reply~ (:
And hope that I can go.

The haze is really some horrible thing that's completely killing my eyes.
They're itchy annoying and tiny. Uglified by the haze. And the smell. Gosh, horrible. At least I don't have difficulties breathing. Sigh. Indonesia has to stop burning their trees.

Apparently the air quality right now is the worst since 2006.
Wow what happened in 2006?
School should close cos it's dangerous for everyone to breath in that disgusting air. There's nothing to do in school anyway.
Stayed at home today, didn't see a point in going to school.
Same goes for tomorrow.

I need my rest okay. ^^

So while I'm at home, I can watch my my my dramas!
Waiting for Playful Kiss 15/16 on Viikii tomorrow night. Sungkyunkwan 15/16 to be out with English hardsubs, around Monday?

So in the meantime I can watch some movies/re-watch BOF.
Or just start on another one.

Oh my eyes are going to die.
I'd rather watch on TV, it won't be as bad. But I don't really have a choice. Though I really should stop watching on my iTouch in the dark cos I'll go blind from it one day.

I SHALL GO WATCH CLOSER TO HEAVEN NOW. :D

U-Kiss is so cute like srsly whut and now I might be able to go for the fanmeet cos its no longer at zouk so yay and pardon the horrid grammar and spelling cos i can't be bothered yay.

我的世界因你全部顛倒;

2010-10-18T20:41:00.000+08:00

This is to balance out all the fandom related stuff here.

Exams are over and the results are coming back. So far, only Chem and Geog though.
Not too bad, I guess? I mean, I could have done better (especially for Chem) but ohwell. Whats done is done.

21/28 for Geog,
31/50 for Chem.

Argh the Chemistry score depresses me. Especially when I know it could have been a 39. Sigh. But I think this score kind of taught me something.

Hmmmm.
I mean, I'd think it's kind of low. Below expectations. But then I'm put in that situation of "Wth you got 95/100 and you complain about failing the test". Cept that I'm not the one complaining about that over-achiever anymore. I guess I realised that my score wasn't so bad?

It's a score that others would want.
And I really shouldn't complain about what I got.

I don't know how I make connections like that. It's relevant, sure. But unnecessarily philosophical. I think too much into things -sometimes.
K this isn't the best example, but really. I do. Sometimes. T.T

OHWELL.

I'm glad I downloaded Episodes 11-14 of Sungkyunkwan Scandal. And 13-16 of MGIAG. Then I can watch them later. Leaving me time to post here. I love blogging, specially when whatever I have to say comes off my mind easily. Like right now.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal's good. (y)
It's kind of like, You're Beautiful and Hana Kimi. A few similar aspects here and there. But then again it's something of its own. How one girl brings 3 guys together. An alliance between 4 youths which would never have happened if she hadn't been there. It's nice.

My Girlfriend Is A Gumiho's epic ahhahah. I don't even want to talk about it cos I want you to watch it for youself. Kay wait.
I don't even know who actually comes here.
Kay I don't care. Whoever sees this, just, go and watch this. Now.

Playful Kiss is, nothing much to say about it.
It's not bad ^^ Better than the Taiwan Ver. I totally didn't like the Taiwan Version. I fell asleep watching it. Gave up after Episode 6. This version's better, and it's not only cos of Leader(:
And I realise I really don't like people (Non Triple-S) talking about Leader just cos he looked hot in PK
~~sofuckingannoyingplease.~~

Ah I love my life.
But there's soemthing wrong with me. I was at Popular and starting listing out stuff I would have to get for next year. Like, files to replace the ones that kinda died. Post-Its, lead refills etc. And I got a new notebook.
Hahah I have no idea why.

I guess school isn't so bad after all.
I still hate RG though.
Just that school itself isn't so bad.

can't face this focus at heart between me and love;

2010-10-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

And I'd fall in love with you all over again,

I want that to happen again. I miss him.
I don't know. When I was all over him, I neglected SS501.
And now when I'm returning (no, not totally yet) to 501 I'm neglecting him?
WLE I feel so f-ing guilty.

But it's like, I don't really watch YLBFB anymore. I can't sit through a whole hour.
It's not that they're not funny, but they're both maturing -alot. It's obvious, really. Not that I don't love him cos he ain't that retarded cute stupid annoying immature person anymore. But it's, hard to spazz about what I loved about him. Especially when Twitter is constantly flooded with 501. And I don't check Facebook or whatever for updates cos of the fact that there isn't any.

I know that he's special. With all of my heart.
But with nothing to go on, I don't know what to do D:
It's not anyone's fault I don't really watch BFB anymore -it's my problem. But I don't WANT to be like that, y'know. I don't want to lose him. He's not any less important to me than 501 is to me.

He's of paramount importance. All 6 of them are.

I've been through this before, with 501.
Last year, December? I was spastic over....SHINee I think? Sigh. Though now I really do know what SHINee is to me. 501 ~~was~~ is above and beyond.

So what, am I going to realise that Gui's above and beyond too?
~~Beyond 501?~~

Kay hahah who am I kidding thats ridiculous.

I guess its just becoming a different level of fandom.
Like what happened with 501.

If its like that.
Then I guess its good.

I mean,
it really did use to be that crazed fangirl mode. Like what it was with SS501 at first.
So now.

It's different?
Hahah I hope so, (:

Kay I just helped myself and stopped being confused. I hope,

I realise that I only post my thoughts about fandoms.
because what happens in my life, the personal/emotional stuff.

I like to keep quiet about them. ^^

總是在夜深人靜想一個人;

2010-10-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

EYAS ARE OVER AND SUPPOSED TO BE LIBERATED AND FREE AND HAPPY, but I'm honestly not.
I've been slacking for the past 6 days of papers so much it doesn't really make a difference. Hahah, I don't think that's something to be happy about. But the papers are over and I really could have/should have put in more effort but it's over so it's beyond me now. ):

I just hope I get okay results.

Korea with my aunt's not gonna happen.
What with the moving house and braces and stuff, I really don't think I should ask that of my parents. Unless I had the 2K myself, but I don't. And so I shall just ask her to buy stuff back for me. Hopefully the right ones.

Leader's Spain Photobook+DVD (I doubt that's gonna be a success tbh)
Breaktime+Hello+Destination SE if possible. (I wonder if they give the posters together)
LIGHTSTICKS! (SS501, U-Kiss) Hahah I really hope I'll get this. Cos U-Kiss' is super cute and a pretty shade of pink.

Thats all, I guess.
Hahah the rest I'll just get myself. Anyway my dad's sponsoring them for me cos I gave up on the trip itself. HAHAH okay that was good.

HotKDrama uploaded Episode 13 and 14 of MGIAG which I haven't been able to watch cos the links on Viikii are broken.
this makes me extremely happy because I love MGIAG with english subs. not chinese. (Y)

Ooohh holiday means 100% fangirl time.
It's gonna be a blast.

29 October,
I can't wait.
Probably not gonna be like last time, just gonna go for SHA and songji with SAS I think. ^^

#getwellsoonPJM.

等我們的愛重生;

2010-10-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

4 more days till the EYAs are over.

I'm so excited. I'll be watching all the dramas I have on that list right there.
I really shouldn't have started on Playful Kiss. I went through the 12 episodes I managed to refrain myself from watching in 2 days. Right in the middle of the exams. I can't believe myself :o

Sigh. I was thinking about 501 yesterday, probably why that post came up.
And I was thinking if I would possible change my bias, from Kyu to Leader. And I know that I'm only thinking about this most likely because Leader's in the drama, and Kyu's on....twitter.
Awww but Kyu wve ill always be my ultimate bias. I kind of know that for a fact.
Kind of like, Kyu's my bias but I would jump on Leader. (That was a quote)
Hahahah Kyu's undefeatable. Just that Leader's irresistable.

Kay but thats not the point.

Stupid RGS. Makes me think so much.

When you're 13, you're not supposed to be worrying over what university course you'll be taking on. You shouldn't be worrying about what job you're gonna have because you don't have a real passion for anything in particular.

What will I become in 10 years? 20 years?
I really have no idea.

How am I going to build up my career, my life when I'm not under my parents' roof anymore.

I don't really need to worry about this. But I can't help but seriously wonder if I'll be able to get a decent job, and be able to provide and sustain.

Kpop isn't gonna last forever.
There's a difference between kpop and TripleS. One's a commitment, the other's a phase. There's gonna come a time I lose that interest and would I allow my life to be an empty shell of boredom and obligations.

I'd love to go 15 years forward to see how I end up.
.
Kpop's a BIG thing, but it isn't essential.
It's just a music genre, for god's sake. It's different from being a fan. And if you're in ALL the fandoms. A+, B2UTY, BlackJack, everything. Then I'd be highly suspicious if it'll last.

Look at Shinhwa Changjo then look at your fandom.

I need to get a life. Seriously.
I've been focused on one thing for too long.

2010-10-10T00:49:00.000+08:00

Twitter floods me with SS501.

And really, it just makes me miss them more.

Cassies have JYJ, Hottest have 6 members. ELFs have 10.
Fanwars happen all the time, it isn't something to be bothered by y'know.

I hated haters who hated. But I realised that haters turned fangirls were worse.
Then I got over that POV, and started to understand what jump off the bandwagon meant. It doesn't mean you don't agree to stuff about that fandom, it just means formulating your own opinions, and it doesn't matter if it happens to be what everyone thinks -or not.

I don't know how that links to what I wanted to say though.

Maybe because I'm afraid that I'm losing SS501.
Because I don't get excited over them anymore, not like before. My chest doesn't expand with unimaginable respect, love, adoration like it used to. Neither is it happening to Gui, but I guess I mind it more when it's happening to 501.

I wasn't all over them like other TripleS, and I wondered if I was slowly, but unknowingly leaving the fandom just because I didn't feel the same way, like them, anymore.

Then I realised that it doesn't matter, because I know I would be there. If they held a concert, came back together as one years in the future. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I may not feel the boomboom I used to, but I wouldn't ever want to leave TripleS.

I'm so proud of TripleS, I don't know what to say. I'm so proud to be part of TripleS, that green sea. Other fandoms respect TripleS because we hardly get involved in fanwars. They see how we're standing by each individual member despite everything's thats been going on. People see how we support them.

Everytime I see someone praising TripleS, I see it as we're doing it for the boys. Because of TripleS (even if partly), SS501 doesn't get hate. They hardly have antis. It's the least we could do for them.

Pardon the grammar

I don't feel like how I did when I look at them, not right now.
But this has happened before, and I know that I wouldn't ever be able to leave.

Thats the only thing that's comforting me right now. That I know I wouldn't stop believing, stop standing by. And I won't be the only one.

I'm losing the fangirl fandom, but I'm not losing the faith.
The zzzng may be gone, but my heart won't stop beating.

I have no idea where this post is coming from.

2010-10-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

Stay strong Jovi.

I know nothing I say's gonna be of any help. And you're probably not gonna see this. But really,

stay strong.

只是无法属于我一个人;

2010-10-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

I think I'm falling for you,

-Fallin' For You, Colbie Callait

Okay I really never expected myself to start liking him. And I surprised myself when I was watching this fancam of his concert and found myself feeling nothing but admiration. I don't know, but it took me by surprise and it really isn't like anything I've ever felt before for kpop. Its like, a triangle. Yes, a triangle.

Cos we were talking about this before, and Kyu's like a circle. 360degrees,totally and absolute. And Gui's this square, but he's a triangle.

One point for admiration, another for respect, and another for a special liking I can't really define at this point in time.

I haven't started liking him for very long, but he went straight to the top.
I may not really understand why or how right now, but there's something special about him.

He makes me happy, everyone loves him.

Maybe its because of the fact that everyone loves him, that I'm not really sure why I do? Ah this is confusing.

But he's there, for sure.
I'm not an Airen, that'd be an overstatement and like all those 'Shawols' who ran around screaming only when Lucifer came out.

I have a feeling though, that he isn't gonna be leaving my thoughts any time soon.
I don't spazz over him, nor do I have anything much to say about him cos I don't really know much. But the past few days have seen him lingering around and changing my opinion of fandoms.

As MinAh said, “I understood why everyone really likes Lee Seung Gi and thought this is a different kind of fandom than what is typical, and knowing that I couldn’t help but to anticipate good things.”

Cos it's kind of exactly what I think.
He's more mature and focused than many 23 year-olds, probably because of all the sunbaes he works with. [Excluding SS501 cos they're special like that, and in different leagues. And no I'm not being biased.]

I can see why he has a million noona fans. He's young, but he definitely gives off this sense of maturity and seniority that anyone would be willing to call him Oppa.

Awww, I would too.
I mean, I never called Kyu, "Kyu-oppa" cos it sounds weird and funny and, yeah.
But for him, it sounds really right, like he really is befitting of it.

I don't love him like I love Gui, nor do I unexplainably ship him like I do Kyu.
It's in a whole different category which isn't as easy to explain nor understand.

But I'm gonna take my time.
I could say I hate and am annoyed at new fans of groups like SHINee or whoever. But now I've ended up having the zzzng for someone who's already debuted for 6 years. Never actually appreciating him until now.

He's nice, special nice. This is a start of something good.
I feel like that time when I was starting my journey into being a TripleS.
I have nothing to say no more.

I'll post more after EYAs.
No matter the number of tags. (Y)

Her whisper is the lucifer;;

2010-09-25T19:11:00.000+08:00

I really feel kinda sad that I lost my major SHAWOL-ness when RDD came out and practically everyone fell for them.

I miss the times when I spazzed over MinHo's absolute hotness. Key's ridiculous diva-ness, Onew's preciousness, Tae's mix of manly and childishness and Jjong's unf-ness. Really.

There was the one time I woke up one morning and looked at my wallpaper, thinking that they were just really awesome. Not for their looks, really. But because of their talent and the way they stood out in KPOP. It was before RDD, before they became, idontknow...

But really, I've gone through too many periods when my SHINee love poofed and vanished. I'd lose it, then find it again somehow. But this time, it's been really long. Ever since they became so well-known. I've thought they became overrated and superficial. Fake, really fake. Like, the feeling I had towards them were just a result of shallow-ness. Because everywhere I looked, people were going mad over them for reasons I felt shallow. And maybe, I thought I was just like that? And that what I liked about them were all just fiction.

But today, it just kind of occurred to me I would never say I hated them. I would never say I don't like them. There's still that pull of attraction that's never left I guess? They were a big thing in my life, second only to 501. I thought I would never waver in my support of SHINee. But with everyone rushing to get a piece of them, I guess it was kind of overwhelming and I started thinking too much about it. Which made me now, overlook them, something like that I guess. I hated that everyone only appreciated them after RDD, I hated that people who didn't give two shits before were trying to spazz with me over SHINee.

I loved them. I really did.
I'm just not sure if it's still there today.

And I just feel kind of, sad.
I said it once, that I find it a really sad thing to lose a fandom. But I never felt sad over losing the feeling of being a Shawol. Until now. I realise, that I really do miss the names, KeyJjongDubuTaeMinho. I miss thinking that the five of them were special, to me.

I don't matter. Like, to them or to SHINee World because I'm just me. One of the manymanymany Shawols around. But it's important to me. I don't know why. The circumstances around me losing Shawol faith is too messed up and blurry for me to make out what I think about them.

They're special. They really are.
Always have been. They have a place in my heart, somewhere. I don't know.
But I can't ever say they don't matter. Cos they do. In their own way. :/

We're all hypocrites, you know.

and I think too much about idolism.
But I dont want to become those who love blindly, mindless fangirls.

It's not just about fangirling.
It's so much more than that. Something important, needed to be thought out

The SHINee I fell for.
A.MI.GO.// Juliette.

想你有时会缺氧，嘴角不自觉上扬；

2010-09-10T02:11:00.001+08:00

胸口微微的发烫

-缺氧, 杨丞琳

我真的好想念，好想念他。

这是一种我根本无法理解的怀念。
说真的，我对他的喜欢也不是一个我能理解的事。
明白自己为什么会喜欢他，但不知道自己为何会爱上他。
扣住了我的心，也让我无法把目光转开。

爱上他的好, 爱上他的不好。
他的笑容，和他的眼泪。
心疼他，爱护他。关心他，支持他。

根本就没人能把他比下去。
对５０１的崇拜，根本就和对他的感情不同。

可能是那段期间，他好真实。
以前都只有从荧幕上看见他，上次来也没有太多的接触。但当时就不同了。注视着他的一举一动，从来不让他离开我的视线。不是幻觉，也不是想象。
他，真的来了。

那他这一走，我想他，想惨了。
只有他能够让我怀疑自己的理智。

想他想疯了? 鬼迷心窍，但只有越来越爱。
五年后，十年后。这份爱也会演化成另一种的欣赏。

但我现在真的是好爱好喜欢好敬佩他。
黄鸿升

我好想你
也好爱你。　):

真的

发现自己身边其实存在着很多我当朋友的人. 从没想过,他们是否是真正能依靠的人.
发现自己可能在别人的眼里是个他看不爽的人. 但却想不到自己到底做了什么.
可能是那些人的本性? 有些人对他来说根本就不是当朋友的人选.

而看法就只是从表面的相处上建立的.

我觉得,这很不公平.
可能是我太天真了吧? 这世界上哪有说公平不公平的啊. 的确, 我自己也会做出一些自私又偏心的决定于想法. 但我一直都在努力用客观的立场来看待所有所有的人. 你们呢?　

我做错了，可以告诉我．看我不爽，也可不可以请你们当面说清楚．我不喜欢这种，要说不说的态度．然后一直想从你对我说的每一句听出你真心话。这真的好难，我也不想再继续这样努力了。反正，你应该根本就不知道你给人家的印象吧　＝＝

现在的生活让我好气自己。
明明知道应该好好的复习，用工读书。却那么轻易就放弃。根本不该允许自己被分心，但对引诱的抵抗力那么低。每一次遇到这种情形，就会想到他是怎么逼自己禁食，熬夜，往前走。想到他对自己的要求是怎么样的高，就会检讨自己的所作所为。说真的，他是一个绝佳榜样。知道自己并没有把每一分的精力去做一件该做的事，心虚哦。

所以！我决定了。
明天将是个新的开始！正式开始读书，努力～　一定要证明，他对我真的是个好的影响。而不是一个只会让我分心的偶像～　为了自己，为了父母，为了他，为了主。

洴了！！！

大家一起加油吧(:　
鬼大家庭将要考试的人，一起想着黄鸿升，达到最终的目的地 <3

依依不舍舍不得; 黄鸿升!

2010-09-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

我爱他，不是因为他帅，也不是因为“他的头发超好看”。（拜托，这种理由也太肤浅了吧。）
我爱他，是因为它的真诚。他的努力和用心和乐观，都感动的了我。他对我的重要性，一步之限于对对偶像的喜欢。

听他们把对他的一份喜欢说成像是产品的挑选，我真的感到好无奈。
而且，把自己当成有多么的大牌。

难道他老了，结婚了，不可爱了，你们就不会支持他吗?
一句“永远爱你”，说到那么容易也那么敷衍。你们的喜欢，难道就只这样吗?
他那么的重视我们，那些人却能说出那些不是人的话。到底是想欺骗他，还是像欺骗自己。明明不那么爱他，还说成自己有多么支持他。连也没看过，还批评《鬼迷新窍》。他们也比你们支持小鬼好吗。

他现在因为我们而快乐，但这份快乐你能帮他维持多久?

五年后，你们还会为了他这样做吗?
那十年后呢.

真是令人恶心. 昨天还说你为了小鬼疯狂.
今天就改成 FUN4. 是怎样啦.

Call people xmm, people also got older than you one please.
And xmm also better than ahlian right.

Fuck luh. So fucking irritating.

Yesterday's showcase was awesome. Like, really.
And I'm not going to care about what they think anymore.
I mean, yeah I know they have a point. But really? It's too kuazhang already.

And it's all back. HHS. <3
狸貓+小宇+木蘭+ 睏寶=FUN4, I like too.

哈哈哈哈哈.

一个爱心,送给鸿升.
一万一千一百一十零一天的思念,专属黄鸿升.

一个紧紧拥抱, 哪怕就一秒;

2010-09-01T13:10:00.000+08:00

就算我走不到他的天涯海角
这瞬间已足够, 天荒地老.

Even if Baby brought 501 come crashing back into my life,
and am kind of unable to have the same anticipation for Gui's arrival.
I'm just know I still love him. Just, at this moment, I don't have the same amount of enthusiasm.
but it'll be back. i'm sure.

Maybe it won't be when he's here. But that doesn't matter.

Teacher's Dayyy. And I'm going to have to stick to my schedule.

I feel so guilty,

2010-08-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

It was awesome, it was mindblowingly incredible, to see Baby.
The Baby, My Baby, Our Baby. SS501's magnae. Our magnae.
I mean, yeah he was tall he was hot, he was everything of that. And he was indescribably cute.

But really, the most amazing thing of today was what I realised when I felt what I felt when I saw him.
My mind raced, all the way back to the very first times I came to know about 501. When I first started watching their shows, first started listening to their songs. I felt that raw, instinctive kind of love and protectiveness when I saw him and proceeded to think of the other members. I remembered what it felt like to have no one but the five of them in my life. No one else important enough, to make me so extremely emotionally attached and attuned to their every move.

I realised how I regret neglecting them these 2 months or so, when they needed the most support from TripleS. I said all those bull about me standing by them, but I know it was all just words. Honestly, I kind of regret coming to know of Gui. But, yeah Gui's important too. But,

I realised -again- how much they meant to me. How much I'm dependant on them to have something to believe in. With startling conviction, I realised that what they were to me could never be replaced. Gui could never compare. I mean. Like seriously, okay. Gosh.

They're at the top, the pinnacle. In an instant, suddenly no one else mattered. Not 2PM, not UKISS, not SHINee.

There's only SS501. And XG.
It's an oath, I could never break from it. Even if I tried.
TripleS, SS501.

Irreplaceable, incomparable, indescribable.
The word 'idol' would be an insult used on them.
They're so much more than that.

All five.
Kim KyuJong, Heo YoungSaeng, Kim HyungJun, Kim HyunJoong, Park JungMin.
all five are the precious ones.

I don't know when I would come to this conclusion if it weren't for Baby today.
It was, emotional. Everything just came rushing into my head and I just had to get everything I felt all down.

It was like falling in love all over again.

Kyu's the love of my life. The definition of my heart.
Without a doubt.

People have their forever and always'.
I count myself lucky to have 6 men as my forever and always'.

(i teared up more than once today D: )

sssshh, but 2 in particular of course.
kimkyujongalienhuang.

Okay, now I've got that off my chest.

IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME OH MY GOD.
He's tall, he has the skin of a freaking snow angel's. He's so funny and so random. So retarded yet so adorable. He's so good to the fans, an absolute angel. It was one of the best nights of my life. Even without all the perks of a $180 ticket.

I just wish it were all five of them.

But still. HE ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW AND WAVED AND DID A SPASTIC HANDS-IN-THE-AIR. AND I SAW EVERYTHING SO CLOSE. OMG. EYE CONTACT!

Sighh. Today was fuckingly awesome.

And I'll just sit here twiddling my thumbs and wait for the Kyu to come.

Gui in 5 days.

在我转身之后你却又抱著我;

2010-08-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

The article in epop. I kinda have mixed emotions towards it.

It's brought me back down to earth.
I mean, I've always known its kinda stupid to idolise. Especially someone like him. Someone who doesn't have the perfect image like kpop artistes. Someone whom I recognise and accept all his flaws.

I've always known that what we see isn't what he actually is all the time. But after the kpop with the singers who basically blare out the message that they're all perfect people, it's weird to have him blatently state that its all bullshit. Hahah, not that I don't like this fact. I know its true.

And you know what. I think one of the necessities other artistes I know have to have, is that constant appeal they have to their fans. The attraction that knows no ends. For kpop, even for Show. They keep their fans dreaming, hoping, wanting?

But he's different. I know where to stop. I know where's too far gone. All because he's just...different. I never think too much regarding him. I don't want him so bad that I close my eyes to the fact that it'll never ever happen.

Never do I imagine shit like what I did with kpop. Even if I did, it was all in good fun. He gives off this sense of being so close to my heart, yet so far from what I ever imagined.

A whole new definition of so near yet so far? Hmm.

I don't really know how to explain this. Ohwell.

我没有放过，没有错过也没有后悔过.

I want to be like him. I really do. And I guess, thats all that it comes down to? When he grows old and stuff. This would be what sets him apart. I guess. <3

501 isn't considered a fandom anymore, is it? They're, I do not know how to explain.

yay, he makes me feel like this. all fuzzy wuzzy. But it's all weird now cos of that article.
I like being a fangirl of only one person.

Last week of school. :/ Loads of work. 2 PTs and another History AA coming up. Zuowen and compre to be done by Monday. This is so screwed.

Nevermind.
7 more weeks till my last paper's over and done with. And then. I'm a free man/girl.
As for now, Teacher's Day next Wed.

Okay, sho. I'll be going out with KM/SC on Tuesday. Watching Step Up 3 I think? I hope. I want to watch it in 3D!

Staying home on Wednesday.
I was thinking it'll be one of the only days I can come up with my fanboard design. Plus write my letter. And I'll have to stuff that into the time I have to chiong my Lit PT which I haven't started on.

I have this really kind of retarded idea for my fanboard to be epic. But I don't think I'll have the guts to do it in the end.

After Thursday, I'm gonna cancel my Lit PT off my growing list of things-to-do. And I'll be happy. Friday and Saturday and Sunday shall be my happy days. Very very happy days.

Though I'm gonna be broke -again.

Finished taking the photos for my Aesthetics PT yesterday already. So now I just have to wait for Vic to send over the pictures and I can do up my PT blog really simply and type out rubbish for Mrs Willamme to be happy with me and I'll be happy too.

I don't understand why I have so many things to do when he's coming so soon.

Lemme count. 8 days.
Sigh.

I don't know if I want to go back to NYPS. TBH, I find it kind of pointless. And I don't really want to go back. But if I don't, I'll feel guilty. D:

Maaaann.

I can't think of anything substantial to post about.
I look at Qian's blog for inspiration, and I see fangirling.

Makes me wonder.

I'm on my knees;

2010-08-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

Cos I believe, there's a place for you and me in this crazy world;
If you could see the sad look on my face you'd be in your car running back to my place.

Generic and cliche. But still.

I wonder if there'll be anyone who treats me as someone so important, that he'll give up everything. And I wonder if there's someone I would want so much I would believe anything. Just because he's here with me. And that in itself is something so unbelieveable I can't help but wonder about everything I once thought impossible.

Oh man. I just dramatised.

But really though, would there be anyone. In front of whom I'd have the confidence to believe that I was indispensable.

哪怕这世界毁灭我也只要你爱我;

2010-08-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

This is why I just hate situations where I can't state my point clearly enough to prevent any misunderstandings. I'm going to explain. But just not right now. Not when I'm going to end up rash and unreasonable.

But please, don't expect out of others what you don't give in the first place. Whenever the situation's turned around, vice versa.

ATHLETICS YOG (Y)
Gosh we went down at 8am, when the booth opened to see if we could get any. I was kinda freaking out when we saw the queue, cos we planned to reach at around 7.30 at first but ended up leaving the house 7.30 -.-

So anyway, yeah I was freaking out and I wonder why it didn't cost me a public scream-fest but ohwells. We almost couldn't get 4 tickets to the morning one but some nicenice person decided to return a ticket to the booth and we got it FOC.

Oh and the person was so blur she only collected $90 for 4 tickets. And my blur mother didn't realise it until AFTER the whole session. Plus the FOC one, we saved $60.

Oh but in the end we did the same thing for my night session ticket -return the ticket to the booth. Cos I had nobody to go with and it wasn't "safe" so yeah.

Nevermind. It was an experience. Gosh I really enjoyed it.
I mean, some may say that Track's boring. But I honestly think it's sports, boiled down to it's very essence. And what's boring about that?

When the i-forgot-what-country girl won the 100m Hurdles and ran down with her flag, I honestly felt so proud on her behalf. I knew what it felt like to win, and I could only imagine what it felt like to win a gold at such a big international stage. For her country, no less.

I almost cried ): It was so happy and beautiful and nice and made me almost wish that I was still in track where my heart belongs.

My mother kept going on about how it's a pity I wasn't still in track (slogging my guts out)
haha she said that partly cos there was one athlete with a timing of 15s. but still -.-

I know I wouldn't be happy in Track. I can't lie and say I don't miss Track.
I miss the feeling of running on that red track with the heat burning my eyes and the strain on muscles killing every desire for finishing the race. And the exhilaration when crossing the line, no matter in what position.

But it's different when crossing the line in last place doesn't matter. That, THATS what I love. I'll be honest with myself. I hate the stress I give myself in Track, and also when everyone thinks I'm fast -enough to win.

SIGH. I couldn't stand the stress. So I quit. It isn't something to be proud of. But it's the truth.

And thats why I admire those people running on that very same stadium I ran at back in P5. No matter their speeds, no matter what happens in the end. Why I teared when I saw that victorious grin on all their faces. They've come so far and trained so hard. Just for a chance to run.

And me?
I gave up that chance. Cos it's the running that matters, really. Nothing else.
Messed up priorities in Track, I guess that was my problem.

Sigh. OKAY ANYWAY IT WAS A HAPPY EVENT SO I SHALL NOT GET STUPIDLY THOUGHTFUL.

Going out of the stadium was so fun cos I walked right past all the athletes!
Granted, they weren't exactly particularly goodlooking but thats not the point! :D
though I do think that the South African 400m Silver Medallist was....^^

Hahahahaha it was really fun and gosh I kinda regret not insisting on going alone for the night races. But oh well. (Y)

But damn, I missed the dateline for Philo journal cos I was out.
Who the heck went and made the deadline 9.30am in the morning please -.- So what if it was opened last Friday. 9.30am just isn't cool ):

Shall just tell Alwin Ho I didn't know it closed so early in the morning and I went in the afternoon.

Because everyone needs a reason to smile.
And my reason's you.
12 days.

2010-08-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

I really wonder if it's my over-sensitivity leading to my doubts and needless worries.

Gosh.

once forever comes;

2010-08-20T20:16:00.000+08:00

It didn't come out how I meant for it to sound like.
And I guess the result's less than desired.

But it's at least, honesty on my part. Something I haven't been able to do for so long.
I can't push all the fault to her, but it isn't all mine either.

I don't like to complain, okay. Though it probably seems like I do. About my school, friends, family, whatever. I don't know why I do. I really don't. There's no other way for me to say what I really truly think. And even then, not much can be said about the things that hit closest to home. Sensitive, matters I want to keep under control.

It's a dilemma man. What do I say?

愛得不知好歹;

2010-08-17T22:14:00.000+08:00

My North, my South, my East and West;
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.

Sorry Nic I didn't mean that your blog wasn't worth reading.

So, insensitive. Gosh. I mean, does it make sense for us to throw our friend in the toilet when she's having bad cramps? How would he feel like if he got kicked in the balls and his friends told him to

"JIAYOU OKAY! We go PE first."

and ditching him in the toilet? It does not make sense. At all. And he cannot just try to understand how it's awkward for us to tell him that it was specifically "menstrual cramps" and NOT a normal stomachache.

Nobody gives a shit about his impression of us, not after he showed us how un-understanding and insensitive he is. "First case of truancy in 5 years."

Oh his poor dignified soul. Put down by 3 students. Pitiful.
Men can be so ignorant and insensitive.

I realised today, how fun Geog actually is.
Maybe fun isn't the right word. Easy to digest.
I did my work copying the textbook. And as I read, I understood.
Better than those attempts at paying attention. I end up falling asleep, without fail. And she'd look at me with those eyeballs rolling, as she always does.

I don't like teachers disliking me. Not that I'm a pet, but it doesn't feel good to be put into a set frame in the teacher's eyes. I can't not care, because I'd know I don't deserve whatever treatment I'm getting. It isn't fun, to be cursing and swearing behind her back either.

I may have done some shit to land me in those horrid situations. But really, is it a mere one-sided game? Of antagonising and disapprove? Teachers gossip, like I care. But honestly, the constant pinpointing and glares of suspicion gets on my nerves.

Captain's Ball IHG got cancelled thanks to the rain. And I don't know if its a good or bad thing. Hahahaha we were getting pretty badly crushed by Richardson. Thanks to nicoleashleysoepranoto. :DD So fail luh. But not bad, all Bucklians were from 110 (Y)

And IHG actually serves a purpose. As in, today was one of the only times I acknowledged my house. Ever since House Prac, I honestly haven't even looked at my house tee. And it was, fun? (:

Oh well, I'm applying for HouseComm. It's the only committee I have any hope at all of getting into. Selection for JPSL's only through selection. And I don't think I have a good enough reputation to be chosen for something like that. Roles like that are reserved for overachievers with amazing attitude.

Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate the school's system. Gah RG D:

Remember in one post, I mentioned something like "I was only 10, ......"?
I'm not comforted by the fact that I probably didn't know what real stress was back then. Rather than thinking that the pressure wasn't much, it's scary to imagine how much worse it'd get. As we go on to JC, then university, then our working lives. Some have their lives laid out in front of them, paths clearly marked out.

You could say that having no idea right now shows a choice we still have. A part we can have in deciding our own futures.

But the uncertainty and self-doubt in this forkroad might just outweigh the confines and limitations of a path set by expectations. Better still, if you have no doubt in your mind that the road ahead's the one for you, for sure.

You have no idea how much I envy those people. D:

I swear, I was thinking of more things than this today.
I just, can't remember what. Argh. Would a notebook help.

Hahahahahah SAS is the love. The convo's making me laugh shit :DD

都怪我偏偏要去愛, 偏偏要等待
偏偏幻想我會是例外

-壞了, 張芸京

2010-08-14T19:41:00.000+08:00

There's something wrong with me today. Sudden return of Danson enthusiasm.
Not to mention a Darren Choy fetish.
-omg I love his little boy face so cute I bet he has abs. I like!

Okay, so anyway. Yeah not the point.

NYGH carnival was so fun. I'm serious, I totally met everybody I know there.
Fine, not everybody. But it seemed like it please.
Basketball was fun, although short. Cos I walked around NYGH for quite long. Nicole met, someone there ^^

I lost my coupons along the way though. D:

Yupp, so the YOG Opening was a few hours ago. And I'm reallyyyy regretting that I didn't get tickets to ANY event. Not just cos of the hot athletes. Because I really think it's something worth going for. Something, for the first time, I can be proud of for Singapore.

Sigh.

天亮了, 分不清是真是假;

2010-08-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

Aren't we all.

National Day,
ended 1 hour and 28 minutes ago (Y)

So I woke up at 1 this afternoon after my mum threw a fit about me sleeping half the day away. She kicked me awake wth -.-
I had lunch, watched Xiang and 2NE1's perfs on the 6th Asia Song Festival that ChnU broadcasted then went in to bed again. Ended up finishing with Episode11 of Love Or Bread and I'm left with one to go. Hahah yay I'm probably going to finish it later.

I don't really know why it received so much flak. It's an okay drama, at least to me.

ISWAK, on the other hand.... I didn't like it that much. Or maybe I just didn't watch long enough to fall in love with it.

I stopped at the 9th episode. HAH.

And it's 1:37am, what am I doing up so late?
This is so totally not a good habit... Man school's starting again tomorrow [technically] and shit I don't want to go back.

Chinese work not done. Chem either.
Huh. I guess I'm going have to rush it all out tomorrow.

And this reminds me, I have no idea what happened to my chinese. It's totally screwed up. All my work is coming back with absolutely shameful marks on them. Damn.

My mum said that whether or not I'm going for The showcase next month depends on the results I'm going to get back soon.

I'm going to keep my finger's crossed that it's good enough for her.
And here I thought was the only one I was getting those scores for. I guess I thought wrong.

lets wait until the sun burns out;

2010-08-08T21:32:00.000+08:00

I don't know whats come over people these days.
Is it our school, thats making everyone second-guess themselves -me included.

Not the school, not exactly.
But rather, what the school system has instilled into the people studying in it.

But, man it isn't easy going around doubting myself over every little thing I do.
Or every word of dis-satisfaction I utter under my breath.
Even when no one's around,

oh god.

I'm going to watch SALT later. In approximately one hour.
Should I be looking forward to witness Angelina Jolie as a Russian Spy?
Apparently its really nice. Nicer than Inception.

I doubt so, Inception was beyond cool.

But, I shall see(:

Oh right, went down to Plaza Sing today. To collect Gui's FC tee and the ticket for the showcase next month.

OMFG I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW ABSOLUTELY MINDFUCKINGLYBLOWING IT'S GONNA BE TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
The tee's so pretty. And it's a nice fit. HAH I'm going to be rolling the sleeves up RG style. (Y) Oh man but I feel so young whenever I see the people in charge.
But we share a common love so, heck.

Okay that was before I had to go. Now I've watched Salt and I have to say, that I was kinda. Bored.

The action was good, but the storyline a little pointless(?)
I can see the theme, but the way the storyline brings it out isn't really good. At least to me.

And, well. I don't have anything worth reading to say anymore.
I have a fanboard to make. Not now, soon.

the page unfolds and leads me on;

2010-08-07T00:25:00.001+08:00

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I have two-sided, screwed up seniors.
Classmates whom I do not know how to act around, to make things right again.
I can't even remember how I used to be able to act so naturally around my friends.

Today reminded me of who I was, before RGS forced me to have this mandatory persona.
God I love you, YongHui Qian Lynn Yan.

There's nothing like being around you guys, to remind me of who I used to be. And how, once, there was nothing on the surface that I saw that was worth doubting. How everything I felt and witnessed was 100% truly from the heart and nothing else.

No more, no less.

NDP was cool in RGS.

And it gave me hope of actually really, joining the RG community.
And then things had to happen to make me doubt if I really belong here.

我喜欢你的眼, 看着我的眼;

2010-08-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

Today was, better?

Hahaha, Nicole stupidly sprained her ankle.
Missing Aesthetics. I missed, 10 minutes? My bag's design is almost done. Thank god I came up with a way too simple design. Oh well, as long as I like it. P&C teacher's nice. I like.

I'm liking needlework. You know, I used to have this thing against sewing. I couldn't sew for anything. But now it's, calming. Especially when I have my earpieces plugged in. And all that matters is whether the thread's tangled, whether the needle's going where it's supposed to be.

And nothing else matters except the music, the needle going in and out. In and out.

Repetitive. Simple.

A long weekend, I think we all need the break.

I don't really know what came over me last night, yesterday.
It was like, a whole wave of self-doubt. Oversensitivity. Of regrets that came too late?

I don't know. And I didn't like it, not at all.
It was like, this enormous weight on my chest.

Weight of unknown substances.

I think I've been taking things too seriously, thinking too much into things. Caring too much about things not worth my time.

Or rather, people I find worthy of my attention. But when it turns out I probably don't mean as much to them, I can't accept the idea that they're not worth it if I'm not worth it.

I wonder if that was understandable.
Oh well.

I think the next 5 days will be a good time to rest. And think over things.
Not like what happened yesterday, when everything was jumbled up and my brain got choked up.

I think I've really got to start getting more sleep.
Gosh,
it's like a never-ending cycle.

Sometimes, repetition has got it's drawbacks.

只怕结果会比寂寞更加寂寞;

2010-08-04T20:39:00.001+08:00

I used to think that the people who passed their days in a carefree, couldn't-care-less fashion were stupid. That they weren't seizing the day, weren't Making An Effort. But now I think I see that it's not that they don't care: they do. They just don't want to show it, because then if they fail they'll just be hurt more. That eventually, when you've been scarred so much, you just tell yourself that it doesn't really matter after all.

-Joyce.

I thought that this deserved a post of it's own.

Yes, now you know JoyceyJoyce.
That while she's been at the top of the game, and enjoying it.
There are people like me, people you're above, to make people like her actually be at the top.

It's not like I don't care, yes, I do.
Even in primary school, when everyone thought I didn't care.

I really did.

School was the fucking bane of my existence back then. I wasn't exactly doing well -fine, still not much better, but still.
My mother thought my attitude was the problem, my teachers probably thought so too.

I mean, they didn't get it.

I started off all fine and dandy, with this optimism I cannot believe I once had. Confidence in myself, in my ability.

But when one blow after another, one paper after another one, came at me. And I found myself lost and confused and utterly scared, while people were scrambling to be the first.

While I just knew that there was no chance at all, to be in their league.
I guess I got used to being at the back, to have that sick feeling in my gut telling me that I was never going to be as good as them. Even though I wasn't the only one who thought I should be.

Do you know, how hard it is to pick myself up again and again.

I was just 10, and I was feeling the harshness of society, of the adult world. Of the expectations and deadlines I never felt like I was going to reach.

Somewhere along the way, something changed.
And it lasts till today.

When I cared enough to do so much for something, everyone were spectators and looked forward to me accomplishing whatever goal I had set.

What I wanted, became what they wanted. But it soon became that, I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Because everyone else were making the decisions for me. And there were those, who were just waiting for me to trip and fall.

And I realised, that if I showed that I care, if I tell myself that it's important. That I can't screw up again.

It just hurts that much more when I fail.

Because I've done just that, too many times to count.

Disappointing them. Disappointing myself.

I think I made the decision to just forget it.
That nothing was worth it.

But if I had to be honest with myself.

Right now.

I do care. I care so much. About everything. Too, much.
If I truly couldn't care less about anything.

Really then, what do I have left?

But today, was just, fucking unexplainable.

太多的夢想太多的諾言;

2010-08-04T19:40:00.000+08:00

I think now's the kind of time, where everything I do just seems to be going through the motions.

Today, I was... disconnected, numb. I don't know. But it was like, I wasn't really feeling anything? No anger, no sadness, no disappointment. And when I laughed, I didn't really get why I was laughing either, in a sense.

I walked around school, not really knowing where I wanted to go.
In class, I just did my work, what the chers told us to do.

cept for MrsC cos I just don't like her.

CCA, I wasn't sure what I was even supposed to be doing.

Layups round the court six times in a row? Maybe more.

Missed shots, missed cues, missed catches.

I wasn't thinking straight today.

Every move, every word, wasn't coming from me.

Simply put, it was like part of my brain switched off. To everything, and everybody.
If you asked me now, what happened in school, I probably could make a list.

But what I felt? What I thought about anything that went on around me?
Good luck with that.

Its like, tuesday is wednesday is thursday is friday.
With the only difference, being the timetable. Oh, and the To-Do list.

I'm tired.

If never wanting to wake up means you hate your life, and the world, or something of the sort.

Then whats not caring about whether you wake up or not?
Not really caring about what happens if I fail my PT, or live a life of solitude by scaring everyone I care about far far away.

Then would it be just my brain, switching off.
Or some part of me crashing, burning, dying?

God, I'm tired. Sleep, hell yes.

講真的, 我想要呼救;

2010-08-03T21:28:00.000+08:00

I'm going to the airport, I'm going to the hotel, I'm going to the showcase.

It's only for 3 days.
3 precious days, when I'll be with him, figuratively. And, no matter if it won't matter to him if I'm there or not. He doesn't need to know I'm there.

I just need to know that he's there. That he's real.

And that it matters so much to me, that I have him in my life.

百分百, 你突然冒出了一句, “你相信奇迹吗？”

我很不以为然地说, "不信."

但如果说世界上没有奇迹.
那又怎么解释, 你出现在我生命里这不可思议的现象?

你活着, 你存在着, 这美妙的事实.
而我, 会有这机会见识你的优点, 你的缺点, 你所让我们看到的一切.

虽然不是你的所有. 但你给我们的, 已远远超过我期待的黄鸿升.

Okay, so, I'm almost done with my Geog PT. (Y) I mean, yeah so people have been handing multiple drafts already, while I haven't passed her even one. But still. And cher doesn't like me anyway, there's no point in trying to please her by handing in so many drafts.

Haha, I'm aware that how well I do doesn't affect her. And my attitude towards her wouldn't be helping me in school. But I really cannot be bothered. Oh maaaann I'm going to fail Geog.

I really have to get back good results this time. ._. Only if I get good enough results will my mother not kick up too big of a fuss over me going for Gui's showcase. Technically, I'm not allowed to go if I get back screwed marks. But I really don't think her wrath is enough to stand between me and my stupid little Ghost♥

Okay with my Show obsession out of the way, I won't be getting too hyped up over a potential 舞法舞天 Part II.

And I'm saying it like a bad thing.
It isn't, really. Just that, I'm not really sad over losing the obsession over him. Cos I knew from the start that it was alot to do with the first time I was struck with his good looks. Even though I love his personality, it just doesn't compare.

What did I have to post about?

Right, ~~school.~~ I have nothing to say about my school.

Like, honestly? I'm not exactly happy.

I'm not sad either,

sort of like in a limbo.

Where I'm not upset at anything.

But there's just nothing to be happy over. Or excited over.
Nothing to look forward to.

Friends in secondary school, are hard to make.

I have this problem, which I'm not sure lies in me, or her.
Probably both.

Frankly speaking, there are others who share my opinion.

But I don't hate you. Yes, you.
I'm not upset, I'm not angry, I just cannot comprehend why you do some things sometimes. And I just, don't understand you sometimes. Like, you become someone else.

And hellyeah I don't like that side of you.

But it's you, isn't it.

It's part of you. Part of the person I made friends with.

And whatever problems I have, I'm gonna have to suck it up, wouldn't I?
Because it's you. And I know I don't want to lose you.

.

School now really holds no point, in my opinion.

I mean, you do shit not relevant to your life. Or your future, in any conceivable ways. I mean, History serves no purpose.

And do not get me started on how pointless Geog.

It's just, one day after another.
The days blending into the next. [Oh gosh, how cliche.]

Why else would it suddenly be August already?

4 more weeks, till he comes. Till the term ends.

For a week, at least, I don't have to breath in that indescribable smell in 110's classroom.

(I don't know if I'd miss it or treat it as good riddance)

And then it'll be back to another Week 1.

But after the EYAs,

I can't imagineeee.

RG can go and screw itself and die then I wouldn't give two shits cos I've finished my first year and it's only gonna get worse and I don't want that to happen and it would be much easier for me if it just died and I wouldn't have to go through something like this year another 3 more times yeah so kthxbai.

see the difference;

2010-07-31T23:36:00.000+08:00

Fuck okay wth don't talk to me like that.

It hasn't been easy, the past 7 months. For you or for me.
But whats with the complaining though you've got it better than so many others.
Whats with the desperateness to climb up the social ladder.
Whats with the attitude you have with me, huh? Like I'm beneath you.

I don't know if it boosts your ego or you just get a kick out of doing it.

You know that you are, and everyone else knows that you are.
And I know you know.
But denials are all you have for the comments or praises.

Whats up with that?
Fishing for continued praises because you don't admit to it?

You expect so much from others.
But have you ever thought about what you're giving to them?

You do your part in projects, sure.
You act nice and funny and a total friend.

But nobody sees when you ditch what you have for what you want -friends included.
Nobody sees when you treat others like shit and feeling like the better one after.

I know what you think -we think the same, remember?

It's obvious, to me, that you know you're good. You know you're pretty. You know you're smart. You know you do everything right.

And I know, that you think you're superior.

You say you don't like fake people.
You say you don't like all the things going on in your life right now.

But has it ever occurred to you, that you're becoming as fake as those people you criticised. And that you're becoming one of the things I once complained to you about. Back when I thought you were someone else.

So what, is this you?

I mean, the real you.
The one who would stop at nothing to become better than what you are now -and everyone else.
The one who bathes in attention, I know you like it. So don't bother lying.
The one who looks at the world with a judgemental eye, while standing on a podium in your own mind. Looking at the rest looking at you in admiration, whatever.

I'm not one of them.
I used to think, you were someone who shared the same thoughts, same ideas, same outlook on the world.

But look at you and me now.

See the difference?

This is what you make me feel like.Every single day.
Don't bother asking whats wrong anymore.

I'm still not willing to lose the friendship we have, by saying it's you.

So please, give me a reason to continue saying that I'm alright.

RI Dramafeste was cool.

Blown-up balloon style condoms.
Foreign sweeper.
Highly bi-polar traumatised kid.
Samuel Tan and his Shawn Tan-ess.

(Y)

也許我太逞強;

2010-07-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

Xiang.
小豬, 羅志祥, Show.

Whatever he goes by.

Happy birthday(:

And this is why, I respect him so much.
Admire? Adore?

Not as much as how much respect I have for him.
And he deserves it, through everything he's done for the past 10 years.

Yeah, well, I might not be a big fan of him.
[.I kinda was once, but it was so superficial?]

But he's an artiste I definitely like a whole lot.
He's a role model, despite his rubbishness with Ghost.

And it's his birthday.

羅志祥, 生日快乐.

He's not gonna leave the industry any time soon.
And when he does, he's leaving with a bang.

And it'll resound in all our ears for who-knows-when.

Cos he's just worth it like that.

Post on RI Dramafeste later.

2010-07-29T19:34:00.000+08:00

So I'm glad its over now. :D
ily nicoleashleysoepranoto.

Uhm, so, PTs due next week.
Videos to download.
Philo to ~~complete~~completed.

Long posts aren't necessary.

iloveghost.

错过了真实的角落;

2010-07-28T22:07:00.000+08:00

I really screwed up this time, didn't I.

Sorry Nicole. Not the Pua.

This isn't working out.

3 years.
No, actually, 5 more.

I don't know if I'll make it.

I want my Primary1 life back.

because your smile is overdue.

2010-07-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

I don't what this is.
I don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't know anything anymore.
Everything I thought I knew, was voided when he came into the picture.

Tyler Ward is awesome.

The Hardest Thing.

A still framed photograph of you
and me together
is all I have of you and me anymore.
We were so in love and we thought it'll
last forever, but
we were torn by the storms

And I won't forget you!
I can't forget you!
And the hardest thing I've done
is have to live without you!
And I wonder why we both
walked away (we walked away)
I'm lost without you!
Still crazy for you!
Just turn around, come back
because your smile is overdue.
And I miss you. (I miss you)

If I'd only knew the words to say
that would make you turn around (turn around).
I'd say the words to you
more than a million times.
It's been forever, but
that hasn't changed what you mean to me.
Darling can't you see? (Can't you see)

That I won't forget you!
I can't forget you!
And the hardest thing I've done
is have to live without you!
And I wonder why we both
walked away (we walked away)
I'm lost without you!
Still crazy for you!
Just turn around, come back
because your smile is overdue.
And I miss you. (I miss you)

I'm sorry for all I did.
What I said and things I hid and
I'm finally over me.
Is that too late for you?
I can't imagine where I'd be
if you had never rescued me, you
showed me what it is.
And now I so can see.

I love Gui's book. Shit its damn awesome.

双手的温度填满在心里;

2010-07-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

I'm just hoping it'll go away.

能有个感情的寄托，哪里是件坏事呢？
但如果，是一个不该喜欢上的人，那就麻烦了。

看了他也不过看了那几次，那几眼。
那笑容，也只见识了几秒。

但也因此让我的头脑装满了那几段回忆。

可笑的是，我也只不过是他见过，却没说过话的路人。
我也知道，我没有任何理由或资格看上他那种人。

但也没办法。我也只能希望这只是心里，一时的胡闹。

快点吧，忘了他。

Nonsense, what nonsense.
I ain't crushing, no I'm not.

HE'S COMING, HE'S REALLY COMING AGAIN.

Oh-my stupid Ghost is coming again. And I'm going,
no matter what.

My mum's not agreeing -yet.
I'm gonna make her agree.

There's no other choice, not for me.

Ohgosh.

--

Math GA today was, okay. I think I didn't do badly.
And goshhhhh, I was supposed to complete Chem reading tonight.

I curse Facebook.

你自信時候真的美多了;

2010-07-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

So, it's Taebaby's birthday

Happy birthday Taemin, I mean, even though I'm not a crazy Shawol anymore.
Even though I never really did express how much I appreciated you in SHINee.

SHINee'll always be a part of me. You'll always be a part of me.

I never really did like you, at the beginning.
But you, you were so freakin adorable on Start Golden Bell that day.

That was the day I finally became fond of you.

So, happy birthday my dear little Taebaby with a total attitude.
Tsk, your hair's too long now y'know?

But this is good, really good(:

Despicable Me wasn't worth the $14, even in 3D.
To be honest, it was a little overrated. I mean, yeah its really cute and all.
But the story's kinda boring and predictable.

I'm sorry, Qian. To kinda throw you to Jordan.
I'm sorry, Jordan. For not talking much to you.

I could say it was Nicole who distracted me, but that would be irresponsible and stupid. It was my fault for not, not talk to you guys. >< Mianhae.

On to kpop.
Yes, kpop. Or more specifically, Teen Top.

Ohmygah JOEJOE! If you're guessing he's my bias then you'd be right cos omg he's so freakin cute and I'm just ranting and making a total bimbo out of myself now but whatever cos I just want to pinch his nose and he's 17.

And CAP's so epic-ly hot for a 18 year old and Neil's totally adorable I adore his lips. Not for the obscene reasons you're thinking about, if you'd seen them you'd undestand.

Chunji is so khun-pretty-y and Changjo's so abstract. Riki's ears!

HAHAHAHAHAHA I haven't spazzed like this in such a long time.
TEENTOP!

And here I was thinking it'd all gotten better.

Again, the same.
It's all gonna slap me right in the face and give me a big "Fuck you" again.

2010-07-17T18:21:00.001+08:00

You do not know how brain dead and bored I am right now.
And my stomach feels all weird.

Do not ever eat blueberry cream oreos. Or strawberry cream ones.

2010-07-17T15:04:00.000+08:00

I can't keep up anymore

It's just happening all over again.
I think I'll just go back to my new yellow diary.

TeenTop \m/ Joe

你是我的冰淇淋;

2010-07-11T00:26:00.001+08:00

I feel, bad now.

I hope I didn't, fail history. Or Geog.
I'MMA MUG FOR LIT STARTING FROM TOMORROW.

I won't sacrifice my results for my fandoms. I really won't.
I study when I need to. I don't when I don't.
It's really simple really.

Bu I don't think he got what really set me off today.
It's not about me liking Show.
It's not about my fandoms at all.

It's about how my mother does not acknowledge the, effort I put in in everything. Until the only perks in my life are, yeah.

Nevermind.
I might sell the cap. Maybe.

Because, honestly, I only bought it at the heat of the moment when I was really annoyed. [Spending really does heal wounds]

I shall, see how.

I have to stop making short, random posts inspired by non post-worthy things in my life.

Today was stupid. But it turned out okay for me.
I have to pass everything. If not for myself, then not to disappoint.
Grrrrr, mama.

My parents are outta this world.

心理, 只住着两人.
藏也藏不住.

Show really isn't one of my top fandoms.
STAGE really isn't about him.
I didn't go today for him. Though he was incentive. How could he not be.

但是说我对小鬼只是 "迷一些偶像", 好像低估了我对他的喜欢吧?
对罗志祥, 应该比较恰当一点.

但他们不会明白这中间的区别.

今天的眼泪, 不是为了罗志祥而落.
是为了自己, 为了我跟她之间的距离. 她对我的无奈, 和我对她的陌生.
我们以前明明关系算好的阿.
现在, 我真的不知该怎么跟她沟通, 她才不会误会, 生气, 无理.

想跟她好好地谈, 就二话不说挂我电话.

搞什么鬼.

2010-07-10T22:26:00.001+08:00

I BOUNCE BACK FAST. :D

Maybe it's just the YLBFB.
But I guess today's events are forgotten.

And when she said future events related to "my idols" do not require permission cos the answer'll always be NO.

I've always got my dad.

Nothin' I say sticks;

2010-07-10T20:22:00.000+08:00

She thinks she's right, I think I'm right.
"I'm always wrong but you're never right."

I don't see a point in stating my point anymore.
Not when it's just gonna get overlooked by her.

Yes, today was fucked up, fucked up and down and all over.
And it's not just because of Xiang.

She doesn't know who I am anymore.

Everything's rolling into an avalanche.

2010-07-09T22:44:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *SCAPE's gonna be flooded tomorrow.
I'm probably not gonna get the stuff I want from STAGE.

But, whateverr.

Hmmmmm. Yeah, I guess the fangirl in me is kinda dying out.
It's, different from losing your fandoms.

If I don't get the stuff I want tomorrow, I guess its alright.

You don't know how it is,
to have nobody at all. Nobody close enough to become your everything.

When everything you know's becoming too much for you to handle

2010-07-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

No matter what happens. Who I become. Where we all end up.
The DoubleS magic will never die.

Never ever myoompaloompahs ever.

Never. Forever. 501.
YouandIbothknow.//

Magical.
Let me be the one.

我也不是毫無所謂;

2010-07-07T18:09:00.000+08:00

As quoted by Joyce from some famous blogger,
"Never regret anything. At one time, it was exactly what you wanted."
I won't regret, will I. He's exactly what I want, at this point in time.
I just don't know how long it'll last.

Quoted from Joyce, inspired by something from me,
"I'm sort of falling out of love, and I don't want to because it's just become that huge a part of me already and I don't know who to be without that vital portion of my personality"

It is like that, to be losing a fandom.
I don't ever want to lose him.

It' amazing, how he's so amazing.
Amazing how I've taken to him being in my life. Without him ever knowing.

I guess having a fandom as, intense(?) as this, would probably be close to falling in love. Or like. Whatever.
Though I'm the only falling here,
but as i said, whatever.

小鬼黃鴻升的微博
He has to stop changing the url. This is the third one already. Grr.

And Joyce, I read your post.
How so many things can be so alike for to so very, different, people.

At least you don't try and fail as badly as I do.

I need someone, and I've said this already.
Just somebody whom I won't disappoint. No matter what.

Gui? I wish.
I need someone real. Sooner or later he's gonna get married or something and I refuse to be so, hopelessly gone that I'd really lose all meaning in everything. Sooner or later, this bubble of denial and hoping and dreaming's going to go POP and I'll be left with nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Pffttt.

I'm not that far gone, no matter what you all think.

So, well, history didn't go as well as I thought it'd go.
Geography went, slightly better?

Oh well.

I just, wasted the whole day on fanfics.
And, idk, am I an ELF?

I do not know.

But

is pretty much kick-ass awesomely cute.
Hae's just so, -BIGFATGRINS-. Teukkie's so weirdly adorably-y cute in his own cute way and Yesung is just, :DDDDD

No Other was a song I loved before.
But the MV's wordlessly simple and great.

Nicole was freaking over history, and has now been given the choice to transfer out if she wants.
My mother told me that before already, when she couldn't stand me whining.
Reis could probably change school next year.
All three of us would change to NJC if we really did change.

I wonder what'll be the reaction of our classmates if we all transfer out together. Especially for my class' reaction to me and Nic leaving together.
They'll really spazz out on how we really do everything together.

Too dependent,
but there's nothing else for me, right?

If it really does happen, which I doubt it will however much it'll be interesting to do so. I think. Vick'll probably come after us with giant, metal, spiked balls.

I cannot stand my child-neglecting father okay.
Goes down to buy food and ends up eating his lunch downstairs then forgetting about my lunch and goes off i-do-not-know-where.
Mytian.

2010-07-06T22:43:00.001+08:00

I am a shameless fangirl who selfishly thinks of blowing off a hundred bucks on STAGE.
Maybe, I don't think I'll spend all that money.

It's just plain, selfish.
I'm getting the larnyard, and maybe the towel. But not, not anything else.

I won't be able to live with my selfish self.

你唇角那个吻, 脸上的泪痕;

2010-07-05T04:10:00.001+08:00

My calf muscles are turning soft.

Pffttt.

Youth Day.

A day when children get the holiday which explicitly states that it's meant for Youths aka, >12.

But, nevermind. I enjoyed 6 years of this undeserved holiday myself.

I got, 12? hours of sleep in total, and it just rocked my world.
Caught the replay of 星光傳奇賽. 許仁杰 (Y)
Yes, whatever, I betrayed 楊駿文, kinda.

History and Geog on Wednesday. I suppose I've finished up revision for them. Though I could definitely do with more.
But screw History for now. There's still tomorrow.

And now, I'm staring, at my zuowen.
Or, more accurately, gaozhi which WILL be filled up with my zuowen, hopefully? Though, I doubt that it'll happen anytime soon.

OHMYTIAN NICOLE'S DOING IT NOW AND VIC'S DONE WITH IT. I SHALL GO DO IT NOW. POST LATER.

I just need somebody to love.//

不如好好地说再见;

2010-07-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

Today hasn't been a, good day. Sigh.
It could have been me being hormonal. But it really wasn't a good day.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if you really care.
About anything other than yourself, that is.

I don't get how you can be so self-absorbed sometimes. Completely and utter oblivious to what everyone is feeling. And ignoring the effects of what you're doing or saying on everything around you.

Sometimes it's like, nothing matters to you. Except when it affects you.
But when sometimeg happens to YOU, I don't do that, do I?

I'm not saying anything about myself.
But I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't absolutely disregard my friend's worry and mood over something that's important to her.

I wouldn't be totally occupied with something else, so enthusiastic about something else, when my friend's not exactly in the best of days.

I don't ignore smses, unless I'm busy.
Even if I can't think of anything to say. I don't ignore.
I'm pretty sure about this, even if I'm not about everything else.

When I reply, I don't give crappy replies.
Even if I did, which I hardly do, at least I don't completely ignore the text until I myself have something to say. And then expect a proper reply.

It's not easy being the only participative one in the conversation.
I don't like, I don't like being smsed only when you feel like it.

It's no better than being a dog, is it?
When you call, I bark.
If I bark when you aren't calling, I'm ignored?

I'm not going to cite specific examples. And believe me, I have many.
I don't think it's necessary? Yeah.
You should know who you are, if you don't it's just sad.

I'm not expecting anything.
I don't want to argue, or for you to change, or whatever.
I just wanted to tell you, or whoever, about such a thing?

Whatever.

And then the day just had to continue and SPM had to happen.

I do not know what TPP said to my mother.
But my mother's absolutely going on about how she wants me to get over my whining about RGS and how much I hate it.

I whine alot, I admit. Whine's probably the correct word to use.
But it's only because I honestly do not like the mindset, environment in RGS and the way it works. I'm not saying that RG isn't a good school. It really is one. Just that I'm not sure it has the best environment for me.

Despite all the complaints I had. I never once said I wanted to transfer out of RG.
I'm not going to, I don't want to.

RG isn't yet the school I would remember years down the road as being the wonderful place many alumni members seem to think of it as.

It isn't yet the place of learning, the home away from home, the place of unity and bonds it supposedly is for it's students.

But I'm not saying it'll never be.
I've put in effort to keep afloat in this swimathon of a school. I'm not giving up now. I'm not leaving until I graduate.

Plus, RG has this environment which pushes me to put in effort, more than I've ever, in my studies.

I don't think I can handle another culture and environmental change in another school again anyway. I've a feeling that depression would be a very real possibility in that case.

Complaining and whining's just a way to get everything out of my system. And I don't think my mother understands that I'm just not used to RG yet. I may complain, but I know full well that I'll get used to it.

I might not like it, but I'll get used to it.
And when that happens, I guess the noise I make will probably decrease as well.

Life isn't as easy as it was, a year ago.
The picture's enlarged. The choices zero-ed in on, the paths narrowed down to let only the best go through.

I have to admit, it's hard.
But I'm gonna have to push and squeeze, slide and shove, until I come out breathing. And no, I do not mean pushing the weaker ones behind, or shoving others to the ground. I meant pushing the people out in front of me, shoving them forward for myself to move forward together.

One day I'm going to look back at RGS and think of what a different experience it could be for two different people.

And honestly, I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

In primary school, I used to have this strong identity of who I actually was.
I knew what I liked, what I didn't. I knew what I wanted to act like, and I did exactly that.

Now I keep everything in check.

No, wait, not only in check.
I control everything I say. Sometimes even what I think? Gosh.

I do nothing all day but worry about the upcoming papers.
My friends? Hah, they're all thinking about the papers as well.
If not, we just don't really talk about anything else other than what happens in school.

Which means, my life includes nothing but school.
The only thing I indulge in, is probably YLBFB.

KPOP isn't a personal thing anymore either.
It's become an expectation from others in school, there's like a standard I have to reach in order to be a real "fan"? Something like that.

Luckily though, I guess I'm considered one of those who can be recognised as a fan.

But thats not the point, there shouldn't be anything like that at all.
And if KPOP's just another part of school's expectations.

My life, when boiled down to it's very essence, is just about how much to mug for the next paper. And yeah, BFB?

There's nothing else to look forward to.
I know what I need.

I need someone I can text, and I can count on to reply.
I need someone I can call, and look forward to falling asleep with his voice.
I need someone I can look at, and expect to see him smiling back.
I need someone I can have, and know that I'll never lose him.
I need someone I can see, and find what I used to be in him.

I'm not saying that I want a guy, right now. No no.
But I really need someone to talk to. Like, really talk to.
Not even Nicole's talks.

I need someone whom I don't have to, act at all, around. Just to maintain some form of status.

I had this dream, where my face swelled up beyond imagination.
My cheeks, were squeezing my mouth into this, unnatural angle, because they were just so fat. My whole face, was covered in acne/rashes.

Basically, my whole face was fat and screwed.

And I was screaming at my mother to bring me to the hospital.
Or more specifically,

"Bring me to the f*ing hospital right now. I'm f*ing getting disfigured and I'm f*ing fat omg get me to the f*ing hospital."

But I couldn't get the words out, thanks to my humongous cheeks.
Gosh that dream was, funny.

2010-06-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

你是我存在的证明, ♥

不确定是从哪一天起
你开始攻占我的生命
每天心中头条都在讲你

你充实我的日记填满我的手机
颠倒我的作息混乱我的思绪
你让我的自信全部一败涂地
却又让我无可救药疯狂爱上你

陪你疯狂冒险陪你淋雨喜欢你
（喜欢你倔强的自信不在意别人眼光的勇气）
陪你去看夜景和你谈心因为你
（因为你开朗的个性你有让人忘记烦恼的魔力）
陪你唱歌shopping逛西门町最爱你
（最爱你看到小玩意脸上莫名其妙惊讶的表情）
陪你今天明天陪你到底因为你
你是我存在的证明

我决定就从这一天起
二十四小时全心待命
每天心中头条都在讲你

时间忽然暂停当我注视着你
陪着我走下去到下个世纪

- 陪你, 唐禹哲

[You do not know how perfect that song is]

And how I forget everything with him.

For him,

I care.

陪你今天明天陪你到底;

2010-06-27T21:58:00.001+08:00

Where is the sense in saying that I'm in the wrong for not changing my attitude and thinking to suit my surroundings?

RGS does have this big fat problem with its system.
But I never said that its wrong for everybody, right. I'm just saying, that I do not like the system and environment in RGS. I don't like the purpose of my life being only the results I get back at the end of the day. I don't like that the school restricts us so much. I don't like the school, because I'm just not the kind to be suited in this kind of school.

And it ends up being my wrong for not being able to adapt to the extremely over-competitiveness of my class in my school. It ends up being some kind of fucked up attitude problem.

Hello, who was the one who insisted that I enter such a school?
You, not me.

You say I chose RGS over NYGH.
But was there really any difference? Will there be any difference in the outcome. I cannot learn in this environment. Yes, I study, but I'm not really learning anything other than what is taught in the curriculum.

And I'm not talking about the curriculum that the teachers go through. I'm talking about the curriculum that all RG girls have to go through outside of class, by themselves, in order to score well as compared to the other students in RG.

My ability isn't as high as them, and thats a fact that you should resign to.
They say that getting into the GEP gets to the heads of the students.

But I think that it's gotten into your head more than mine.
You really think I'm better than the other students? You really think that it's expected of me to excel in everything you think I'm good at, don't you.

You speak of a 3.7GPA like its so fucking easy.
Like only an imbecile won't be able to achieve it.

My dear mother, a 3.37GPA is satisfactory. For me. You know why? Because I know I deserved it. I know, I worked for every of that 3.37. If I'd gotten a 3.7 I'd be fucking questioning the grading system of this supposedly prestigious school.

And when I say I'm happy with my 3.37 you say I have this fucked up negative attitude towards my studies and my ability.

Yes, I admit that I do not have confidence in myself to score as high as my classmates. But thats only because I know where my standard lies. I admit that most of the time, I could probably do better. But I don't think its wrong to have a lack of confidence.

It just happens to you when you're in a school like RG.
Just like when I was in GEP, and everybody was so fucking smart.

Just that now it's worse.
10 times worse,

a hundred.

I cannot believe you can use the way I walk as something that displays my attitude.
I don't even know how I walk, and I don't actually mean anything through the way I walk, do I? I don't even walk with a hunch.

-I can't believe I have to defend my gait okay wtf.

I don't even want to talk about how unrespectful towards the elders you think I am.
First of all, you don't even give me examples of when I was supposedly rude.

And it's not like you're giving a fine example for me to learn from.

It's not like your attitude towards your life is that great.
Your attitude towards everything is just exemplary, isn't it?

And it's not like I want my father to speak up for me. Not like I actually whine to him okay.

Not like how she whines to you about every-fucking-thing she wants.
And how you always, always give in.

I don't think it's for you to say anything about how I hide behind my father and use him against you.

I'm not being this jealous bitch okay, but I cannot stand the bull thats coming out of your mouth

Fucking PMS-ing okay.

Goodnight mother.

My bag is packed and my homework's not printed.
I'm all ready for school, am I not.

I care, more than anything.
I care.

I can't not, can I.

2010-06-26T22:18:00.000+08:00

Ohmygoodness.

School's starting. In two, freaking days.
I don't care okay, I do not want to go to school.
I'm not ready to face RGS again. Not ready for the exams.

3 weeks, and the papers will be over.

And after another 5 weeks or so, they'll be back.

I do not, like, this sort, of life.

It's like, I want so badly to just screw off with the papers.
But I know I can't, and I don't want to?

This is confusing.

Heh, went to get 2AM's album+showcase tickets today.

I have absolutely no idea whether I want to sell it away. It was $36, and I'm kinda short of cash right now. As in, I don't want to spend any unnecessary money.

But I have this feeling I'll regret it if I don't go. Like what happened with U-Kiss.

Then again, I think of the $36 that will be returned to my pocket and I find myself considering all over again.

Sigh.

And I'm totally missing the JingQuJiang right now. It's so, freaking, boring gosh. IDK why, but this year's awards aren't like previous years. Excluding when JungMin and Baby appeared.

But now they're gone, and there's no point for me to continue watching it any longer.

Facebook fucking hates me okay.
It's loading damn slowly omg damn slow.

It's getting all temperamental on me kay. Some days it's okay. And other days like this it just refuses to load anything. Shit.

It's really annoying me. I'm gonna regret using the profanities right now but, omg I do not careeeeeeeeee. 20 minutes to get to my Profile is ridiculous. Hello, Facebook. You're the one to get me addicted to you, and now you're leaving me hanging.

Irresponsible and heartless.

Just like men.

Tsk.

U-Kiss<3
[I wonder who'll end up being my bias >< ]

TripleKiss~

說了再見才發現再也見不到;

2010-06-25T02:57:00.001+08:00

Today's a winding road.
Taking me to places that I didn't want to go.

- Thunder, Boys Like Girls

Smile if you remember those songs.

Re-downloading songs I used to love, classic.
Jenny, Empty, How To Save A Life, Chasing Cars, Thunder, Kidnap My Heart?

Remember when english music used to be songs like those?

Instead of what it has turned into now.

Yes, I love The Click Five.

是我不好;

2010-06-24T02:56:00.000+08:00

1, 2, 3, 4. He'll come back.

He really was leaving.
Leaving me, and everything left behind.

1 step, 2 steps, the departure gate.
One last look, he turned and granted me that.

A final goodbye, the last loving glance?

Empty eyes which reflected nothing of my pain.
The same I would have expected him to share.

Someone else, he wasn't who I knew, [not anymore. ]

The same unspoken words that we had.
The very same everything, he promised me he felt.

A scathing knife, to cut off everything between and after.

1, 2, 3, 4 steps.

"Tell me you won't go."

Whispers.

Shadows, dancing on the walls.

Memories, grabbing at thin air.

Falling,

an abyss of never-ending,

pure emptiness.

你說淚留著很危險 ;

2010-06-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

I don't know.

I mean, yeah. The holidays are over. And I'm having mixed emotions about it I guess.
Didn't expect it to pass by so quickly. And here I am, one week away from the Math paper.

Considering, this holiday has been fruitful. I've done my History PT, 2/3 of my Chem assignment though it's due, soon. And revision for History and Geog. Not nearly enough for the papers, but its something.

Oh, and I've really spammed on Gui and Show. And realised some other things about my life and who/what's important along the way.

The realisation that I really want to do well enough for myself to be happy with my results, shocking. I don't want to, yeah. I don't want to disappoint myself anymore. Not in my results, not in my CCA. Not like last year. No, not again.

And it'll seem hypocritical saying all that, wouldn't it. When I've been slacking almost the whole holiday away. Gosh.

So, I have one week till Math.

And I'm planning on spending a week on each subject before the paper. So. Geog and History on the Wednesday of second week. I'll start the final revision on Thursday. Since I've already started.

And Lit and Chinese Compo's on 3rd week's Wednesday. The compo's gonna have to start earlier. Maybe on the previous Tuesday. Lit? Ohmytian. I'm gonna have to rush home after Geog and History to read the damned book again. And get to know Jonas all over again.

Honestly, Jonas is a fag. And the Giver's a hobo.

Yes. For the next three weeks from tomorrow onwards, my life includes nothing but schoolwork. Okay, fine. 20% of Ghost, and 501, and Show, and U-Kiss. Cos I'm on a U-Kiss streak right now.

But, mmhmmm, priorities given to my results. Definitely.

Three weeks, there's nothing to it.
I'm gonna have to believe I can do it, no other way(:

Three weeks, and then I can go back to him. And him. And them.
They're gonna have to share my life with RGS though. But thats okay.

Shopping.
Something I've picked up in RG. Mostly thanks to Nicole. But yeah, it's getting to me. I've gotten, what, 5 new shorts in a real short period of time, 2 pairs of jeans. And 2 shirts. Heh, I remember when I'd just get 3 sets of new clothes and the beginning of the year and it'd last me the whole year.

I have to admit though, being in an all girl's school really does help. So does being in a tuition centre where they seperate us into schools.

No, boys.

A distraction, thats what they are. Especially if you end up crushing on one.
I've read random blogs, with girls our age having a 18 year old stead. And it's just, I'm not saying that they're wrong. But I can see that it's really distracting to have a stead like that.

Even a serious crush is enough to take your breath away, remove everything else from your mind.

I don't think I'd want any of that.
Alien/Ghost/Gui is all I want, and Kyu is all I need. Nobody else matters enough.

In other words, I won't ever get hurt. Yes, Gui and Kyu will never hurt me. Cos, well, obvious reasons. Nobody's getting the power to tear me into two, not for a long time to come.

And there's my day, gone. Just like every day in June 2010. Sigh.

I've come up with a schedule though, a rough schedule for when school re-opens to keep myself on track.

Okay, so.

When school ends at 3, I'll reach home at around 4.30.
So, from 4.30-5, I slack around the house.
5-6, YLBFB.
6-7, I go and runrunrun downstairs. Or skip. Or whatever, just make sure I exercise.
7-8+, dinner.
From then, homework. And then when I'm done, spend whatever time left on the computer.
11- SLEEP. [Latest, 12.]

When school ends at 1, I'll have training. Or I'll have to go my grandmother's house. So, there's not really any point. Sigh.

Meh. This is going to just be for reference. I don't think I'll actually follow it. :X

Well, at least I'm trying.
Maybe not hard enough, but it's a start.

2010-06-17T14:34:00.000+08:00

Cuz this lifes too long, and this love's to strong

-Neverletyougo, JustinBieber.

爱上你, 那完整的幸福.

2010-06-17T01:36:00.000+08:00

Listening to/watching 3 grown men watching soccer can get extremely amusing. And, who drinks RootBeer/100Plus/Coke at 11pm please. Amusing, really amusing. Especially the sound effects.

And now my father's unusually silent. I think he betted on Spain.
Awww...

Heh and I can't believe that I racked up a $97 phone bill this month. Sigh. And $30 is gonna to have to come from me. Stupid holidays okay. Not only do they make me fat, they make me broke. And I'm serious about the fat, I've put on 1kg.

Even my mother's saying that I cannot gain anymore, have to control my weight.

Sigh. What encouragement. I mean like, yeah...

And plus there's no more training this whole holiday, when school reopens its only once a week. Ohmybonamana I cannot put on anymore weight. D: My plan to exercise seriously has to be put into action, soon.

I'mma have to save money when school starts to replace my iPod [stupidbastardwhotookitcangoanddie]. So I probably won't be buying those, fattening but tempting stuff.

Ahahah I'm sounding like some weight obsessed anorexic.

But I'm serious though, I can't run if I continue like this. It's better safe to be sorry. :D

Bazhang at 11.30pm just now wasn't my fault. Didn't have dinner. Only other choice was to go hungry until I wake up tomorrow, which will be like, 10? And then it'll be lunch. And I'd have effectively missed 2 meals.

Today was, fun.

Going to YongHui's house after so long gave me this warm fuzzy feeling inside :D
Coronation gave me a bubbly feeling. Taking 961 just made me, heh, happy.

Ahh.... How I miss Primary School life.

On the other hand.
I have Far East Plaza now. With STAGE/AES.
I have Graffiti Cafe. Together with the stuff written on its walls.

But we all know that it can't beat Coro.

Yan~! So cool. Your voice breaking. I didn't mean anything by laughing kay. I'm just happy for you. And amused. HAH SORRY! And yeah, it was just awesome. Meeting up with you and Qian again.

Sigh, secondary school, what am I to do with you?

:D

陪我回忆把过往走一遍;

2010-06-16T02:33:00.001+08:00

There's, what. Two weeks left in the holidays.
I haven't done anything much.

History PT, not even half done.
Chem assignment, pictures not even collected. I'll start on that tomorrow.
Revision, I'm only done with the basics of Geog. History I've still got the Shang. Math, I have to do more of the book. Lit, gosh forget about lit.

Sighh.

The first two weeks were wasted on Youtube. Stupid Ghost haunts me okay.
Then now, I really have to complete all my work in the next two weeks. I don't think I want to go through the chionging, then worrying, then failing thing again.

At least if I do my revision properly I wouldn't be as worried, I guess. IDK, I know I want to do well in History though. Heh.

I just feel accomplished today. Thanks Nicole~
I don't think I would have gone through so much of History if I wasn't studying with her. Stupid woman's such a stupid mugger.

I was thinking about this blog, and was wondering how many people actually come. Hmm. I don't think many people do. I mean, yeah.

But I realised that I... don't exactly mind. Blogging to empty air, it's like talking to yourself. Relieves stress, at the very least, for me.

But the trouble comes when I start to go into the state where I talk to myself rather than the thought of wanting to share. And then some stuff get said, stuff I might not exactly want to be known?

Maybe it's better this way.

At least then you'll know I'm telling the truth. I don't usually lie here.

Just like how I'm not lying when I say I'm really worried about 501.

Sigh. I don't really have anything to post about, do I.

你送的禮物　會不會太特別

你送给我的礼物，就是那股你让我拥有的勇气。足以让我面对所发生的一切。
即使这只是自欺欺人的谎言。至少，让我在这一瞬间，相信这是真的。

It just feels so, hard sometimes.

Oxygen; Forever.

2010-06-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

SS501, 5 forever united as 1.

Forever.

Thats the only word, which I can use to assure myself that nothing's gonna happen to them.

I've never let the rumours and possibility worry me.
But, seeing them cry like that. It's getting scary. What if Destination's their last album as SS501?

I cannot think of one day when they aren't SS501, an official group.
They'll always be bonded, stronger than any other. But, they just can't not be SS501.

Yes, Gui has been this big part of my life.
But SS501 is the epicenter of everything.

If I say I only have Gui in my heart, then Kyu's my Heart. My whole, entire heart. He's, just. I can't describe how, important he is. It's not just that I really like him. Like's an understatement anyway. I need him there. Just, there.

Gui's my personal brand of cocaine, my morphine.

But SS501's my oxygen. I take them for granted, sometimes. I forget how important they are to me. But I breath them, and when it matters, I know what they mean to me. And how I can never ever give them up. You know how you kinda forget about oxygen, yeah. But when you don't have it, you'll know how stupid you've been.

It's simple.
501 is part of me. Not only my life, me. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for them. And no, I'm not talking about me being a fangirl. It's who I am as a person. Not the Natalie I am in public, but the Natalie I know I am.

501 will be Forever. Not just another fandom.

Until Forever has given me this, melancholy feeling. Ever since the first time I heard it. Even though I don't know what the lyrics are, it just gives me this feeling like. They will always be there, even if they're not SS501 anymore. They will love TripleS, always. TripleS will never stop being TripleS, cos thats who we are. But the thing is, I don't want them not to be SS501.

Not so soon, at least.

I'll believe in Leader. I can only blindly believe that they'll never seperate. I have no other choice, do I? Not when I see Min cry like that. When he never cries, for the sake of his fans. He always laughs it off, pretends to be stronger than he is.

Who is he fooling.

Baby, he held in his tears so badly.
Who am I to cry when he's not allowing himself to, for us.

Leader, who said "Saranghamnida" to TripleS, when such words don't come easily nor naturally to him.

Saeng, whom hardly showed any sign of grief. But from the look on his face, you could tell that he was just short of overflowing.

Kyu, words are useless in his case okay.

Everything they do, I don't think they actually think for themselves.
Always, always TripleS first.

When TripleS comforted Min, I really felt like I was part of this great group of people. People who will always be behind the 5 men we love. TripleS is one, I really feel it.

It isn't easy to state out why I love them.

If I have to, I will. But I'll scare myself. I don't fully understand it yet, but when/if I see the full extent of how much I'm dependent on Kyu Jong, Jung Min, Young Saeng, Hyun Joong and Hyung Jun, I don't know if I'll believe it. It won't be something insignificant, it'll be spectacular.

If I lose them, it wouldn't suffice if I said that it'll be like losing a part of myself. Something in me would snuff out and die, same as everyone else who truly believes in what they stand for.

I'm starting to look down on the power of the written language.
They don't express it fully, some things just can't be described with language.

TripleS and SS501 are one. Forever.
Never forget.

Who am I to cry, when they don't allow themselves to.

2010-06-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

Remember 楊駿文. From 超級星光大道5. I was spastic over him.

Yes, well. I haven't forgotten about him kays.
And now he's backkkkk in my life. :D
And his singing just totally hits me in the gut now. Improvement ish obvious.

Shall post properly when I have time.
Yes, I have manymany things to say this time.

Is it really that hard;

2010-06-07T21:22:00.000+08:00

I left my library book in the basketball room.

How nice.
If it's not there tomorrow, I'm screwed over.
My memory is failing me, I swear.

The Giver's also gone. I have to replace it to study for Lit. I don't know how I'm going to do that without all the notes. Lit is hard.

Compensation to the library, around $20.

FML.

我愛他轟轟烈烈最瘋狂;

2010-06-07T01:15:00.000+08:00

Haha, I'm just randomly posting cos, idk. It's related to Kyu(:

.
Some random thing I got off a fan's blog.
It's like a scratch card app where you have to "scratch" the card (?), and a picture of a random member under the grey stuff.
Wasn't really expecting or hoping for any member, but I got Kyu the first time I tried it. :D

The app knows me well.
我只能说，这是命中注定，我爱他。

No matter how crazy I may be over my ghost,

Kyu's always there. Forever and always.

Even though I'm not getting Destination, cos I'm broke.
Even though I don't really like Love Ya. Nor do I have the time to watch their perfs.
Even though I honestly think the styles in the Destination pics are crappy.

SS501's always be the one I'll hate to lose.

现在的你们，帅归帅。
但我最爱的，最想要得，仍然是当初最原始的你们。

当然，我随着时间与你们一起成长，变化，进步。
但我希望，当初的那为了梦想不惜一切的五个大男生，永远都会在你们的某一处。

因为如果没有那我爱上的，那真实可靠的奎钟。我也不知道该相信什么了。

傻瓜我们都一样;

2010-06-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

Yes, today was epic.
Super Junior was, kick-ass awesome.

I mean, they really can sing you knoww. Maybe not all can sing equally well luhs. But, gosh much better than some other groups I can name. I remember once saying that they can't sing? Okay hearing them live proved me wrong. Wrongwrongwrong. Even though I already stopped thinking that about them once I got past my SM hate. But, still.

Yesung's solo was. ohmygoshhhh. I love, his voice. And plus he's incredibly cute.
Teukie was awesome, he came down from the stage and ran where the barricades were. Where I was.

And I touched his hand.

Ohmytian.

Bonamana was hot.
Those 10 people who get to go for the Meet-and-Greet session with them are lucky, lucky, pieces of ELF.

Lets all wish that their favourite member falls in complete and utter love with her, shall we(:

And now there SJ is, going up to meet up with 2PM. :D

Okay, however epic SuJu was.
Today was like, a day in hell.

Background setting first.

I lost my wallet two days ago, with $60 in it.
Today, someone took my iPod and phone in the foodcourt.

It was my fault, I admit. I was stupid enough to leave my stuff there on the ledge of the store. I don't know how my brain just erased the memory of bringing them along with me.

I mean, which complete moron just forgets whats in her hand the moment she puts it down?

Yeah, thats right. Me.

And it was a gift from my aunt, a $500 gift.
The total value of what I've lost far surpasses what my family should be expensing on me. If 'expensing' is even a word.

And now I feel completely uncomfortable without my iPod.
Like I've lost a part of myself.

Stupid, stupid, I'm a stupid girl.

是幸運還是不可思議;

2010-06-05T01:35:00.000+08:00

I just think it's just, sad when one loses a fandom.

It's not like you didn't really like whoever loads. Not like you didn't love him. But when he just starts to fade from your life, or he changes to be someone different from who you first fell in love with. Then you'll look at everything you bought to support him, then try to remember the passion behind all that money spent, and fail to recognise the reason behind all the enthusiasm.

Then your friends will all be surprised. Not to mention thinking, huh. I knew this was going to happen some day.

And so you won't admit it.
Forcing yourself to talk about him, whom you really don't give two shits about anymore. Looking at who he is at present, and thinking, I miss him.

(Not him, but who I used to see him as. )

It'll never happen to him.
I hope it won't happen to him.

I'm not posting about my life here anymore, there's not much to say.
But for what means more than just a bit to me, I guess it'll come here.

No matter who comes here.
I don't care what they think about what I think anymore.

At least, not here.

I don't know, not anymore;

2010-06-04T01:24:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry, I can't be perfect.
What a big, fat, lying bitch I'm becoming.

Thanks Kee, for reading all that chinese.

賭一把我的夢;

2010-06-02T19:07:00.001+08:00

就因为他的一句话，让我从新看了我此时此刻过的人生。
也让我发现，我变了很多。现在的我，就像带着一个面具，扮演着黄海琦这个角色。

以前的我，说话不经过大脑，想说什么就说什么。
现在的我，每一句话都不会敷衍的几句话。

这，并非是一件好事。
我把自己的真心话埋藏起来，就是应为害怕自己的意见，不被人家认同。就是不想跟别人不一样。
失去了最原始的自己，远离了她。

根本不记得以前，是怎么能够这么的不在乎。

以前的我，为自己而活。
但现在，就像是为了争取别人的目光而活。
这样过着每一天，好累，好烦，好腻

你说我变了，说我变成了一个令你感到恶心的人。说你怀念以前的我。
我不能气你，不能为自己做任何的辩护。因为连我自己，也对自己反感。

想说，我现在到底有什么好喜欢的。
不善良，不贴心，不懂事，也不懂得照顾别人。
自私，计较，胆小，自大，自以为是。
我什么时候就变成了这一种人？

朋友，到底为何和我做朋友。
现在的我没主见，就随着大家的决定和期待做出自己的言论。
他们和虚伪的我做朋友。那，他们不就也跟着一起虚伪了吗。

虚伪。
这两个字的重量和意义，对我来说拥有无法形容的重要性。
不喜欢虚伪的人，也不想成为那样的一个人。但无法不承认，这两个字，越来越像在描述我现在的样子吧。

我也想变成以前那无知的样子。但也放不下留在众人眼光里的印象。
多想赶走这位装着我的陌生人。但也知道，她已变成了我的一部分。

追韩流，也是一点。
但我必须说，我并不觉得我在这里做错了。

以前我喜欢很多很多的韩星，你说很恶心。
但如果我现在说，我心里只有黄鸿升一个，你的想法会有差吗？

我不再疯迷韩国音乐。501，还是爱到底。但其他的，也只剩下喜欢的成分。罗志祥，我也爱。
但我只为一个人疯狂。

我喜欢的人事物，的确是有了变化。
但，我会骄傲的喊出他的名字。不会因为其他人的看待而改变。

黄鸿升，是唯一一个让我保留住这一小块以前有自信的我。

别人说他丑，我却能够有自信地说，我不管。就是爱他。怎样?
人家说他不好笑，说他赖着罗祥提升自己的知名度。我却能够说，罗祥也是有他，才有个人在百分百跟他闹。

只有他，我能够不顾一切的支持。

Its not that I love to fangirl.
It's that, when I fangirl, I become a little of who I used to be. Not the other way around. And it just feels so much more natural than what I do or say other times.

--誰規定我該往兒哪走我的路我來通

也只能希望能够尽快适应现在的环境。把以前的我,带到这新的世界里。

心理的一颗星。

2010-06-02T19:05:00.000+08:00

You have no idea how much he means to me.

我怕太超現實的快樂　只是你借給我的;

2010-06-02T19:01:00.000+08:00

I have decided to post up fanfic here. Whee. So you people should feel honoured. Not like many people come here either but anywayy, thats not the point. I don't care if nobody comes here, heh.

It's not as good as Joyce's stories, so, too bad if you want to compare. And it's going to be stupidly cliche. But, once again, I never said I'm good. Just practicing my writing. It's most probably going to be random things that pop into my mind. Maybe I'll start a full chapter fic, only if I have time and I'm actually bothered to finish it. :D

His lips were salty as they covered mine. Our eyes didn't close, just stared at each other with the thousands of unspoken words between them. A desperateness seeped onto my tongue as I realised how much I needed him to stay. It was all I could do to stop pouring everything I was feeling into him, because I wasn't worthy of him and I knew it. He was all I could see ever since the day he stormed into my life, with his honest expression and that attraction that's sucked me right in. I couldn't stop, not now. Not when he's leaving so soon.

Let him be a dream that swept through my life like a hurricane. Come and gone, with damage left behind that would be impossible to fix. He shouldn't have arrived, straight out of my fairytales. A loss of reality isn't good for someone like me. Someone who should always know where she stands.

This is what comes out of having someone you could never keep, someone you shouldn't have met in the first place. You forget that you have to let go. And when you have to, it'll hurt like nothing ever has before.

But for now, I'll be the fool that lets the show go on. The silly girl falling for the prince meant for the princess. The one who'll end up with the scars. The extra who'll be forgotten when the curtains finally go down.

I am not proud of this. Hmm.

But I had this image in my mind, I just can't find the words to make it more alive. Nevermind, practice.

Reminded of then;

2010-06-02T19:00:00.002+08:00

The kpop love is fading, fading. Fading. Seeing the superficiality of why I like some of them has started to make me think about what exactly do I like about kpop.

My love for SS501 stands strong though. It's transformed into Love&Respect. I respect them more than anything, and my love for them is a mixture of admiration, support, and plain, inyourface love. The 5 of them on stage, together, is one of the most beautiful scenes I've seen. 501, my inspiration. Not just pretty faces.

It started with SHINee, when I first realised that they weren't what I made them out to be. Or more accurately, that they aren't what I want them to be, what the media and public want made them out to be. I began to see the scripted lines behind every joke they said onscreen. Soon, every movement, every smile, seemed acted out to me. I really don't want to admit it, even to myself, that my love for SHINee, the five guys I once adored, has dissipated into what can only be described as an adoration of their talent, songs, and dances. I don't know if I can classify myself as a Shawol without feeling guilty. There's love left in me for Key. Funny, seeing that MinHo was my guy in SHINee. But I guess I'll always like SHINee, just not crazy over them like I was, once.

The only other group I've felt that was higher than other groups is 2PM.
I guess they're better off than SHINee. But all the same, Idol Army just seemed totally fake to me, despite many many others saying that 'This is the real 2PM. No acting, the real them.'

I just can't tell myself that its just nonchalance when punishment were dealt out, and their expressions did not change at all. Isn't it a little strange, that when you receive a punishment you apparently feared and you end up just showing a disappointed expression? But somehow, maybe because I wasn't as deep in the Hottest mindset as I was with Shawol, the decline ain't as bad. But its there, surely.

You know what I'm going to get bitchslapped by any Hottese/Shawols that stumble here. But I don't care, this is the first time I'm really being honest to myself regarding this.

My love for kpop, the motivation behind most everything I've done for the past I-Do-Not-Know-When, is fading away. I don't think it'll ever go away though, cos the music that korean artistes produce really are of high quality. Just that the obsession stage is gone. It's faded into a sort of like sinkingtothebottomlikesand kind.

The feeling that I shouldn't love SHINee, probably is because I don't anymore. Cos the feeling's gone. And if I continue forcing myself to love them and telling people I love them I'm becoming fake as well.

There're too many such people around already. I'm not planning on becoming one of them.

I guess this is why I've been putting emphasis back onto Mandopop/Cpop. Personalities aren't revealed as easily, and that reduces the chance of any acting done. At the very least, what I see won't make me like it enough to be in over my head, and I wouldn't be let down at the end of it.

Alien and Show are the exceptions, and that is why I've found something different in the two of them. Ever since I started watching YLBFB, which was...I really can't remember when. All the way until now, they've hardly changed. I haven't been a big fan of them for very long, but I've sure been noticing them for a long time. They've been ridiculously funny since forever, they were what they presented themselves to be-normal people. Their sick jokes, retarded mistakes, showed how they're people just like us. But everything else just shows me how they're normal people whom I've somehow come to love more than I should.

You know what.
Show and Alien admit their flaws, show off their flaws. YLBFB ain't scripted, sure they do act while on camera. But thats needed, they can't exactly show their anger on TV, can they.

I realise that this post really is kind of messy, it's kind of being used by me to sort out what I'm thinking yeah.

Show, ahhahah this...thiss.... WHATDOICALLHIM? I can't call him guy, it feel funny. Man? No that sounds more wrong.

Okays anyways, Show is someone whom I've changed attitude towards. From GoshHe'sSoHot to Wow, he's so....real. You know? I mean, yeah he's vain. Yes he COULD be a little proud sometimes. But everything else he does overbalances those. The hardships he's gone through, the effort he puts into his dancing, his thoughtfulness and gentleness. The way he's a natural comedian, and is terribly serious when he needs to be. Those, and many other aspects of his personality, turned him into someone much more than a hothothot singer, and also much more important, to me.

But for some reason, XiaoGui has a bigger place in my heart. His complete inability to hide his embarrassment, his persistence throughout his whole time in the entertainment industry. How he expresses himself through his words and drawings, haha even how he shamelessly brags about his certificates and the social status he had in school. His loud open laugh, his greatly improved singing. The side of him which can only be observed and perceived, not shown. His cheers for Show from the grandstands during the time he was majorly underrated, his neverending passion and sincerity in everything he does. No matter if its his lifelong dream -singing, or even something as simple as a hypothetical question.

I realised all these points I've come to love about him, I've come to understand from the past 3 or 4 years. But I've never ever stopped to think about it, looked at everything he has clearly enough for me to tell myself that yes, he is different. He is someone worth adoring, worth the spotlight. He's the only person I've ever put and ever will put on the same level as Kyu. Kyu is the first one I've found to be perfect, but Alien will be the one that has taught me that looks aren't everything. That once you're perfect from the inside, everything will fall into place.

I agree with the person who posted something that triggered this whole post, that people should have some depth in liking an artiste. It's thanks to her that I'm able to see that many of my supposed loves, were nothing more than what I told myself to accept them as.

BEAST, MBLAQ, SJ, SHINee, FTI.

The past year, I've been so caught up in the whole kpop craze in Singapore that I've forgotten that the only reason why I got into kpop was that 'Find' put into words in the form of music what I was going through at that time. The lyrics didn't matter, cos the melody brought me to tears.

And thats the reason why kpop was important to me- the music was good.

But that truth has been overshadowed by outside opinions, and I lost what I saw in kpop.

XiaoGui was the one who brought me back crashing down to Earth.
He reminded me that I was still able to differentiate truth from a well disguised mask. When my ShowAlien love was returning, it was because of HMS. Where, I quote myself, "It was mostly cos Show was so hot."

But when I found myself getting more and more drawn to him during that period of returning to mandopop and these two of my once-liked artistes, I remembered of how, when I realised that I loved Kyu more than anyone else, I remembered that looks really aren't what defined a person.

Thank you, personwhoawakenedme. And ThankYou, Alien Huang, 黃鴻升.

iloveyou, nodoubt

我漸漸的自我催眠卻回不到從前；

2010-06-02T19:00:00.001+08:00

All a hallucination, you in my life. A dream, is all.
It's just stupid to keep doing things that make me want what I can't ever have.

但不知道为什么，看到你那害羞又尴尬又开心的笑容时，心里就会有一种莫名的幸福。
脸，也莫名地出现了笑容。

这样的你，就是我爱上的你。最真实的你，最可爱的你。

就算你真的从这中找到永远在你身边的那个人。
只要你开心，我想也是我想要得吧。

明知道自己不该傻傻地迷恋着你。
至少，以前我都把这当迷恋。会淡忘的迷恋。
但现在呢？现在是怎么一回事。一看见你就无法控制自己的心理。自以为自己是什么大人物。忘了我只是在人海中的一张不熟悉的脸孔。忘了，即使你对我多重要，我也只是在你眼里的路人甲，这我不想面对的事实。

数不清的不可能，没有一丝的希望。
这次，真的是不可能中最大的不可能。也是与很多，很多人一样的不可能。

只能像个白痴地继续做我的梦。把你放在心里最高的位置，希望有哪一天你就会被我忘记而从我的心里离去。

心酸，好像重复地用在你身上啊~

谁叫我这么爱。这么喜欢。这么蠢。

如果真的是世界末日呢;

2010-06-02T18:30:00.000+08:00

看痞子英雄，没睡好。多層次的剧情，不简单的角色。
让我想到了人性的复杂，心机。

人不可貌相。这句话说得真好。
每一个人都有自己的秘密，不想曝光的事。
但这些事，是好是坏，应该只有当事人知道吧。

而且，好坏的定义对每一个人都不一样。不是这么容易就能说清楚的。

一个人到底是不是你的朋友，就看在他在你心里的分量。并不是他对你的表面态度。

赵又廷演的真好。他把英雄这个角色，演活了。
当时没有看这部戏，是我不懂得欣赏。觉得，不是平常的爱情偶像剧，就不好看。

好肤浅。

现在才这样说，好晚啊。这部戏也不是说是一部新的戏。
但，好过没说吧。这部戏真得让我发现了好多好多事。

事情的简单，或是事情的复杂，并不是事情本身的问题。我们怎么处理，怎么反应。就会决定事情最后的转变。
感情，也不是我们说了算。

爱了，就是爱了。
就算不可以，也不可以放弃。
就算再痛苦，也不可以放弃。
就算再疲累，也不可以放弃。

就算有再多的不可能，也要爱下去。
他的好，让你忘了你们之间的不可能。
你的固执，让你忽视了你们之间的距离。

这才是应有的态度，不是吗？
有人说这是愚蠢的，但我认为这是人性天生对爱情的坚持。

但如果，爱的人根本不知道你的存在。就算知道，也不理会。
这样的话，就只能默默地从远方欣赏他发出来的光亮。看着他，找到他的幸福。

为他的笑容，感到骄傲。

英雄对陈琳，我看了好心酸。

命运的残酷，带走了太多，太多。但它也给了我们很多。
被它带到我们生命里的人，从我们身边夺走的朋友。
那特别的一个人。

心碎带来的眼泪，开心带来的笑容。
痛苦带来的麻痹，失去之后的后悔。

这都是所谓的人生经验吧。
那如果这样才能算长大，那我宁可保留这个无知的状态，永远不离开这个熟悉的世界。

太多的联想，太多无畏的想法。