Monday, February 7, 2011 / 8:56 AM
Idealism.
Everyone's doing work in class right now and I feel like some fucking failure. Though technically its because our teacher didn't give us worksheet two so I don't exactly have anything to do right now. And honestly I cannot be bothered right now. Stayed awake the whole damn night and wanted to stay home but...yeah. Here I am waiting for aesthetics to come around.
I wonder if there are any readers here anymore.
H2HT last night feels like such a fluke right now. I don't know. Nothing really seems to stick these days. It's like I'm stuck in bubblewrap with things happening with my mind not registering its effects. One thought that keeps popping up is that nothing matters so much anymore. I don't know when I started thinking like that, just that now I don't mind shit happening to me cos somewhere something tells me that it isn't going to matter.
Last year wasn't a disappointment. It wasn't anything, actually. But I was okay with the way things were. I didn't expect anything, and I didn't get disappointed. I didn't expect anything about myself and I was satisfied with everything I got and didn't work towards achieving more.
But this year's different. Someone's taught me something I only understood now.
I used to think that I just had to put in the same amount of effort as everyone else. And if I didn't make it, then so be it. It isn't my fault. It's just not meant to be.
If I put in this amount of effort, and someone else succeeds while I flop around and just fail, it doesn't mean that I can't help it. It just means I have to put in extra effort, put in the extra mile and spend the extra hours to work towards what I want.
It isn't an option to tell myself that it's okay. It isn't an option, to not meet my own expectations. I can't play down my expectations to make excuses for failure. I have to push myself further than I have ever gone.
At least thats the kind of attitude people like me should have.
Because there's no other way to avoid the disappointment that comes with all expectations for people like me.
People who don't have the ability, don't have the determination and don't have the..... stuff.
Bloodydamnhell I feel damn fucked up right now.
