Wednesday, August 4, 2010 / 8:39 PM
只怕结果会比寂寞更加寂寞;
I used to think that the people who passed their days in a carefree, couldn't-care-less fashion were stupid. That they weren't seizing the day, weren't Making An Effort. But now I think I see that it's not that they don't care: they do. They just don't want to show it, because then if they fail they'll just be hurt more. That eventually, when you've been scarred so much, you just tell yourself that it doesn't really matter after all.
-Joyce.
I thought that this deserved a post of it's own.
Yes, now you know JoyceyJoyce.
That while she's been at the top of the game, and enjoying it.
There are people like me, people you're above, to make people like her actually
be at the top.
It's not like I don't care, yes, I do.
Even in primary school, when everyone thought I didn't care.
I really did.
School was the fucking bane of my existence back then. I wasn't exactly doing well -fine, still not much better, but still.
My mother thought my attitude was the problem, my teachers probably thought so too.
I mean, they didn't get it.
I started off all fine and dandy, with this optimism I cannot believe I once had. Confidence in myself, in my ability.
But when one blow after another, one paper after another one, came at me. And I found myself lost and confused and utterly scared, while people were scrambling to be the first.
While I just knew that there was no chance at all, to be in their league.
I guess I got used to being at the back, to have that sick feeling in my gut telling me that I was never going to be as good as them. Even though I wasn't the only one who thought I should be.
Do you know, how hard it is to pick myself up again and again.
I was just 10, and I was feeling the harshness of society, of the adult world. Of the expectations and deadlines I never felt like I was going to reach.
Somewhere along the way, something changed.
And it lasts till today.
When I cared enough to do so much for something, everyone were spectators and looked forward to me accomplishing whatever goal I had set.
What I wanted, became what they wanted. But it soon became that, I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Because everyone else were making the decisions for me. And there were those, who were just waiting for me to trip and fall.
And I realised, that if I showed that I care, if I tell myself that it's important. That I can't screw up again.
It just hurts that much more when I fail.
Because I've done just that, too many times to count.
Disappointing them. Disappointing myself.
I think I made the decision to just forget it.
That nothing was worth it.
But if I had to be honest with myself.
Right now.
I do care. I care so much. About everything. Too, much.
If I truly couldn't care less about anything.
Really then, what do I have left?
But today, was just, fucking unexplainable. Labels: ramblings
