Friday, July 2, 2010 / 11:49 PM
不如好好地说再见;
Today hasn't been a, good day. Sigh.
It could have been me being hormonal. But it really wasn't a good day.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if you really care.
About anything other than yourself, that is.
I don't get how you can be so self-absorbed sometimes. Completely and utter oblivious to what everyone is feeling. And ignoring the effects of what you're doing or saying on everything around you.
Sometimes it's like, nothing matters to you. Except when it affects you.
But when sometimeg happens to YOU, I don't do that, do I?
I'm not saying anything about myself.
But I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't absolutely disregard my friend's worry and mood over something that's important to her.
I wouldn't be totally occupied with something else, so enthusiastic about something else, when my friend's not exactly in the best of days.
I don't ignore smses, unless I'm busy.
Even if I can't think of anything to say. I don't ignore.
I'm pretty sure about this, even if I'm not about everything else.
When I reply, I don't give crappy replies.
Even if I did, which I hardly do, at least I don't completely ignore the text until
I myself have something to say. And then expect a proper reply.
It's not easy being the only participative one in the conversation.
I don't like, I don't like being smsed only when you feel like it.
It's no better than being a dog, is it?
When you call, I bark.
If I bark when you aren't calling, I'm ignored?
I'm not going to cite specific examples. And believe me, I have many.
I don't think it's necessary? Yeah.
You should know who you are, if you don't it's just sad.
I'm not expecting anything.
I don't want to argue, or for you to change, or whatever.
I just wanted to tell you, or whoever, about such a thing?
Whatever.
And then the day just had to continue and SPM had to happen.
I do not know what TPP said to my mother.
But my mother's absolutely going on about how she wants me to get over my whining about RGS and how much I hate it.
I whine alot, I admit. Whine's probably the correct word to use.
But it's only because I honestly do not like the mindset, environment in RGS and the way it works. I'm not saying that RG isn't a good school. It really is one. Just that I'm not sure it has the best environment for me.
Despite all the complaints I had. I never once said I wanted to transfer out of RG.
I'm not going to, I don't want to.
RG isn't yet the school I would remember years down the road as being the wonderful place many alumni members seem to think of it as.
It isn't yet the place of learning, the home away from home, the place of unity and bonds it supposedly is for it's students.
But I'm not saying it'll never be.
I've put in effort to keep afloat in this swimathon of a school. I'm not giving up now. I'm not leaving until I graduate.
Plus, RG has this environment which pushes me to put in effort, more than I've ever, in my studies.
I don't think I can handle another culture and environmental change in another school again anyway. I've a feeling that depression would be a very real possibility in that case.
Complaining and whining's just a way to get everything out of my system. And I don't think my mother understands that I'm just not used to RG yet. I may complain, but I know full well that I'll get used to it.
I might not like it, but I'll get used to it.
And when that happens, I guess the noise I make will probably decrease as well.
Life isn't as easy as it was, a year ago.
The picture's enlarged. The choices zero-ed in on, the paths narrowed down to let only the best go through.
I have to admit, it's hard.
But I'm gonna have to push and squeeze, slide and shove, until I come out breathing. And no, I do not mean pushing the weaker ones behind, or shoving others to the ground. I meant pushing the people out in front of me, shoving them forward for myself to move forward together.
One day I'm going to look back at RGS and think of what a different experience it could be for two different people.
And honestly, I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
In primary school, I used to have this strong identity of who I actually was.
I knew what I liked, what I didn't. I knew what I wanted to act like, and I did exactly that.
Now I keep everything in check.
No, wait, not only in check.
I control everything I say. Sometimes even what I think? Gosh.
I do nothing all day but worry about the upcoming papers.
My friends? Hah, they're all thinking about the papers as well.
If not, we just don't really talk about anything else other than what happens in school.
Which means, my life includes nothing but school.
The only thing I indulge in, is probably YLBFB.
KPOP isn't a personal thing anymore either.
It's become an expectation from others
in school, there's like a standard I have to reach in order to be a real "fan"? Something like that.
Luckily though, I guess I'm considered one of those who can be recognised as a fan.
But thats not the point, there shouldn't be anything like that at all.
And if KPOP's just another part of school's expectations.
My life, when boiled down to it's very essence, is just about how much to mug for the next paper. And yeah, BFB?
There's nothing else to look forward to.
I know what I need.
I need someone I can text, and I can count on to reply.
I need someone I can call, and look forward to falling asleep with his voice.
I need someone I can look at, and expect to see him smiling back.
I need someone I can have, and know that I'll never lose him.
I need someone I can see, and find what I used to be in him.
I'm not saying that I want a guy, right now. No no.
But I really need someone to talk to. Like, really talk to.
Not even Nicole's talks.
I need someone whom I don't have to, act at all, around. Just to maintain some form of status.
I had this dream, where my face swelled up beyond imagination.
My cheeks, were squeezing my mouth into this, unnatural angle, because they were just so fat. My whole face, was covered in acne/rashes.
Basically, my whole face was fat and screwed.
And I was screaming at my mother to bring me to the hospital.
Or more specifically,
"Bring me to the f*ing hospital right now. I'm f*ing getting disfigured and I'm f*ing fat omg get me to the f*ing hospital."
But I couldn't get the words out, thanks to my humongous cheeks.
Gosh that dream was, funny.
